Milangro

2007-10-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

kai is very sad and messed up.

i'm struggling a lot with myself at this point. just thinking things i shouldn't be thinking and generally feeling a lot more belligerent and caustic in school and with michael. and we're going through a rough patch so it's been so tempting to want to paralyse myself in a state of lethargy and mope. or head on out and do something really stupid.

it was just one hour kai..nothing could have possibly happened.

i'm not doing exceptionally well in school. God help me please....i really need help.

2007-08-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

The usual about NUS:
- travelling's still a bitch
- i wake up at 6am for 2 out of the 4 days of school. i end at 6pm for 2 out of the 4 days of school.
- i take 2 hours to travel to school for a 2 hour lecture on alternate mondays and tuesdays, then head back home.
- rau and i are horribly lonely people who drift about school and spend breaks alone until we get each other's company and then some.

What just got worse about NUS:
- Dr Gwee aka NUS' Mr Burns is a horrible lit lecturer. leonard, liting and i and even my evil intelligent squirt actually left the LT having not understood a SINGLE WORD of his lecture, and all you guys know that i'm not that horrible in lit, and that my squirt is a genius. for the first time in a very long while, we knew we were so fucked, sulas and i started drafting a plea of help to mr ho and ol' harris the minute we got on the bus. at the end of the day, i hated conrad more as a result, not to mention i was piss-foul mood.

- i made a complete fool of myself in dance auditions. a severe blow is dealt to your self-esteem when dancers you have stage-managed before smile with recognition at you even before you have filled up your application form. guangling and i felt like walking out the minute we entered the studio. and it only got worse, because zaini's choreography, no matter how fun it was, got me totally twisted into a freak. i really regretted not enjoying the choreography because zaini's choreo was really funky and sexy and fun, but me being me, could only get the steps right. and when we had to improv for that r&b song he chose, all these Pamugun moves started to make their entrance into my system. and because i had NOTHING ELSE that i could promote myself with, i started doing a lot of penches. which looked....bad. and...weird. i looked like worse than khairul when he wasn't doing very well in slot. i was flapping, people. it would be a real joke if i got into dance ensemble. and if i did, i'd keep a low profile and WORK REALLY HARD.

- tutorials start next week.

***

vernie, i miss you already. blah.

2007-08-21T00:05:00.001-07:00

you would think that after having durians last night, i'd hold back and watch my diet today.

but nup, i'm not going to, because i'm a bit upset and annoyed over a couple of things. so i'm chowing down to chocolate grape gummies now.

woe me, i'm almost halfway through the tube.

2007-08-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

i'm up at the ungodly hour of 0849 hours to engage in another cut-throat war that is tutorial balloting. again, i have to pray and hope for the best, because based on the fact that i've never really won anything in a lucky draw, i'm pretty darn unlucky, and i really need the grace of God and nothing else to get the tutorial slots i want.

oh, and i shall take this time to wave my temporary farewell. Because if university work doesn't take up my entire life, then travelling sure as hell will. having two lectures end when traffic is building up on the roads is the absolute PITS. and it sucks having to change THREE buses because it means that on the bumpy ride home i can't sleep away my evening motion sickness. so by the time i step out of 855/163 and walk up and through the estate to home, i'm zombified with exhaustion.

oh hell and it just started raining more heavily. I WANT TO SLEEP!

2007-08-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

right...in exactly 5 hours i'm going to find myself in LT 11 of the FASS building, listening to my very first lecture on sociology. thanks to my trusty squirt, she linked me to the socio powerpoint that will be used today. also, things started to look up slightly because i realised that i have quite a number of friends with me haha.

KAI HAS FRIENDS!!

let's see: there's my dearest squirt, my tomato smith, talia my 151 buddy, lennie AND raurau, tingting and neegal.

i feel so relieved.

so typing all that out is very reassuring. takes off the annoyance which existed half an hour ago when i realised i nicked myself while shaving my legs. i cursed a bit and gnashed my teeth more out of irritation than pain (because it's not painful at all it's just itchy. and i hate itchy cuts), then proceeded to bawl to damien over SMS that this was an omen. silly me.

shall pray for a good day before heading off for lunch with grammy. right folks, wish me luck!

2007-08-13T23:22:00.000-07:00

it's so bloody ridiculous for me to worry about school, and in my state of blind panic it never really occurred to me how stupid and insignificant my worries are. sigh... i am so insecure i annoy myself sometimes, because i know i'm capable of confidence. just that it started waning and i can't quite put my finger on when, how, and why.

STOP PANICKING ABOUT SCHOOL TOMORROW KAI!

***

i have yet to activate the concession on my student ez-link card. me being the cavegirl that i am, was musing about how i keep getting charged adult rates during dinner when jie looked over with a withering look and said, 'you gotta PAY for the concession dumbass.' i officially hate public transport now. so on top of having to top up my card more regularly now, i have to fork out $52 a month to keep my concession alive. wtf. it's times like this i wish i had a car and could drive, but i guess i'm too late for it. and anyway, even if i could drive, i can't use the car anyway because mum's always using it to get around for tuition, so bugger.

i know mum and dad don't say it, but i'm pretty sure they're disappointed i didn't get a scholarship of any sorts. well i am too, not so much for the academic prestige and all, but so that it would make me feel a bit better of myself whenever i have to pay for something school-related. because everytime i remind mum to reimburse me for varsity expenses, i feel like i'm bleeding the family's finances. be it transport, books, course packs....blah blah blah... the word "leech" screams in my head, and then another word "vain" screams back. and i know, deep down inside, that if i had gotten a scholarship, it would be --quite honestly-- for the purpose of shutting my parents up and saying 'yeah ok. i've did it.'

i'm the daughter no parent should ever have.

2007-08-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

it's an afternoon when getting itchy and irritable is simply the only way i'm going to stay sane because at least physical discomfort keeps my mind off from certain things.

then again, maybe not. i'm back -yes...sigh- to the stage of feeling like a fuck of a failure in just about everything that i'm going to embark on. and oh yes, i realised how much of a social failure i have become...shying away from big parties, futilely seeking coffee chill-outs with one or two people and never succeeding, being asked to go out and then realising that i've packed my weekends and weekdays so full that i can barely breathe. which is quite an irony, because i never intended to be so heavily involved in varsity.

i concede that this is one of the hardest and scariest things of being a christian: to leave everything to God, and to trust Him to deliver in your life, then to accept whatever He has provided you. for an uptight prude like me, i worry about everything in my life, and depending on God has been quite a challenge. yet at the same time, i'm running myself dry with the exhaustion of trying to logically sort out everything, and it would be good to just lay down all my sorrows and trials at His feet, and let Him take over.

then there's the shame of feeling like an ungrateful fuck, and knowing that there are so many people out there who have been struck down with worse personal disaster, and that really, i have no place to complain but i do anyway....

***

i'm very thankful for church every week. every sunday, where i can worship God, listen to sermons, and get away from the outside world for a while, head out for lunch with some really wonderful people, then head back to church to jam. while i still wonder how i can better balance my roles as a daughter, girlfriend, and christian, it doesn't change how happy i am to be part of a fellowship, share a few laughs, learn about God together...

***

i need a revival

2007-08-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

reading about everyone flying away brings back the approaching reality.

that 2 more years isn't that long a time.

oh gosh i'll miss you so much....

2007-08-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

i'm not exactly a book fiend, and many of you know that i have lost my liking for fiction novels and read plays instead. so that's why it's not exactly the easiest thing for me to convince myself to get out of the house on a hot day and scour the book stores of brash basah to look for my literature texts. well yesterday it wasn't so bad, because mum said she wanted to go shopping so i took a ride out, walked around for a bit and then headed off when mum went back for tuition.

my neck was cramped for to one side after a while because i have this habit of tilting my head to read the titles printed on the spine. i don't believe in pulling out books to read the titles because it will only frustrate me more to have to push the book back, knowing it's NOT the book i'm looking for. so essentially i cased out five bookstores looking like a retard, picking out books and muttering to myself. and oh boy it's a really long business, picking out books in a second-hand store. i guess you can't complain, for the price you're getting it at. i was fortunate that out of the 5 stores i visited, only one (the first) didn't sort out their books according to genre. but it didn't really matter, because that was the store i spent the least time in. the rest were pretty ok. i saw a collection of chekov plays that i was so tempted to get but didn't in the end, for some reason unknown to me. i found ibsen's 'hedda gabbler' with notes :) and joseph conrad in a pretty ok condition. paid $17.50 altogether. if there were people standing around at me at the time i found the new books, i think they would have been quite alarmed at the way i would suddenly jerk out of my head-tilting position and aggressively snatch the book from its place on the shelf.

***

today was part 2 of book hunting in NUS co-op. i have decided that i officially do not like any of my travelling routes to school because nothing stops remotely near my faculty and i have to walk for quite a while before reaching the backside of FASS. and yes, i only just reach the backside. taking another 45 minutes or so to acquaint ourselves with this new place we'll be calling 'school' soon only served to get the dark lord and me more frustrated, and i hold the architecture of the building responsible.

ponder on this: my squirt and i walked up six storeys from the bottom to get the first floor. sometimes we get this place with a sign saying 'X storey', and we turn left only to see another sign saying 'X-1 storey' or 'X+1 storey', even though we can still see the 'X storey' sign a few paces away.

yeah you got it. everything in NUS is so user-friendly, from their websites to their buildings. wonderful. i think vernie will get hopelessly lost if she had to study here.

oh, and don't bother with the lifts. with the time taken to find them you would've progressed through two flights of steps and reached a place where you have to rack your brains to decide which sign you have to believe to get to your class.

ok the cool thing about NUS co-op is that pen-testing is still available! though the zig markers are 5 cents more expensive =( students are beggars, so beggars can't be choosers eh. i completed book shopping and was fortuituously delighted to see that Toni Morrison's 'Sula' and 'Hiroshima Mon Amour' were actually thinner than i envisioned them to be :) and Hiroshima is a play! yay yay plays galore! i'm trying my best to read what i can once through before things start to get busy. i'm almost halfway through hedda gabbler, and i'm reading with a conflicting swirl of repulsion and fascination as i accompany the twisted woman through her eventual demise. i think if there's anything that's going to save me from all my NUS misery, it's the re-discovery of my love for literature (even though i may bitch about it at times when i'm just not getting my stuff right) and of course, theatre. ting ting is doing fine in theatre, so i guess my tertiary stage exploits won't be too bad -- fingers crossed. i feel so weird calling it 'TS'...it's always been TSD this and TSD that...and now i'm just going to take the Drama out of it.

my squirt and i felt like crying as 95 bumped past NUH. for a while, the AYE looked just like the expressway next to the VJ tennis courts...

:'(

2007-08-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

dear all

please pray for the korean christian hostages in afghanistan, because some of them might not live to see tomorrow come 1030pm tonight.

2007-07-31T22:52:00.001-07:00

i just finished planning out of my timetable. am keeping my fingers crossed and pray that God provides me with best results. if all goes well, i won't have any lessons on monday and tuesday, how cool is that ;) at worst, if i get all my second choice tutorial slots, i won't have lessons only on monday. but before people start gnashing their teeth and form alliances to outbid me for courses or something, i'm going to tell you that for all the days i'm at home/in the library studying, i work doubly hard from wednesday to friday. i mean logically speaking, compared to someone who's got lectures and tutorial slots spread out over 5 days, i'm totally squeezed of energy by the time it's friday, because my timetable is helluva concentrated. so there.

***

i actually spent the whole day reading potter yesterday. i know my princess got very peeved that i gave it a 7 to 7.5 rating out of 10, but ah well, at least i'm not so hostile towards potter boy. i do have to say this though: it would be the greatest mistake for the potter franchise to produce a 'thud' finale on screen, because i daresay The Deathly Hallows are worthy of an extremely smashing blockbuster. i feel the book has all the ingredients of a die die must see film: rowling throws in the visual feasts of epic battles in the Malfoy Manor or in Hogwarts, and scenic landscapes. plus, i think the set designers have a lot to tap from the text, with rowling's description of iconic places such as the Shrieking Shack and the Malfoy Manor which should be able to cause the audience to shiver with frisson as they are repulsed, yet attracted, to the darkness and twistedness of the houses and its occupants.

am actually looking forward to seeing daniel radcliffe and ralph fiennes flex their acting muscles in the 7th movie. there are simply so many moments to film and i will just scream if they cut out any parts. like harry digging dobby's grave, or the re-enactment of kreacher recounting what happened to him, then regulus, or harry walking off to meet voldemort, or snape's painful death. i think rowling took a hint from helena bonham carter's decision to vamp up bellatrix lestrange, because bellatrix is the stalwart any asshole kingpin desires: fiercely loyal to the point of orgasmic reverence. it got my skin crawling for a bit, because at a point it really did seem like bellatrix and voldemort were going to disappear into some dark room for wild sex. -shudder- it's true!

BUT, i've got a couple of gripes. i'm a bit upset that mcgonagall never got to have any 'woah! she's KICKING ASS!!' moments in any of the 7 books, and i think that's ridiculously unfair because she's such a powerful witch! and of course, i stand firm on the fact that ginny and harry getting together is about as believable as george bush marrying osama; there's just no compatability in the relationship! also, as much as i grieved for snape when his life story unfolded, i couldn't help but wonder how such a great character was only mentioned in the start, disappeared for at least 250 pages, then makes a grand entrance, only not be killed off again. i think the clincher's got to bit the way voldemort died. i couldn't help but feel sorry for the dude. yeah sure, he's a big evil fuck, but to be killed TWICE because your own spell bounced back on you is so funny it's sad. a bit too many deux ex machinas to save the day, rowling.

but ah well, point being: i've changed my mind about potter. he ain't such a wimp no more.

2007-07-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

thank you for the zoo sweetheart :)

***

sometimes i'm so fucking stupid i could just laugh until i cry. like when i wear a turtleneck on a rainy morning, then roast to death in the sun in the afternoon. or when i uproot the contents of my entire bag only to find that when i wanted was sitting snugly in the front pocket all along. which happened to me AGAIN just now when i tried to activate my student concession card; i thought i lost the damn thing and was swearing black and blue for my stupidity. can you imagine losing a very important card within 2 hours of receiving it? so anyway, i held up the queue at the ticketing counter thumbing through my wallet, and i found it napping comfortably in a very accessible part of my wallet which i was staring at. gah....kai so dumb =(

oh, and i left my trusty SMU water bottle somewhere in campus :'( i know it's a cheapo water bottle but i grow attached to the things i use more than 3 times. plus it's those hard-plastic kinds, so it can store hot water. not to mention jie was the one who got it in the first place, so technically it's not really mine. even though she hasn't used it at all and probably never will, i know all too well that's not going to really matter to her. sigh...i shall conveniently not mention it until she finds out. cowardly, yes... -hangs head in shame-

***

so yes i matriculated today, and it didn't take very long. the bulk of it was spent walking around the CCA fair with madhu and meghna meeting random people. thank you dears, you have no idea how grateful i am to see friendly familiar faces :) :) :) the capoeira booth was run by this guy who was quite stoned, and after standing around and watching the video i decided that there was something not grounded and dramatically intense about the art which i liked. so yep, i have officially abandoned plans to pick up capoeira in NUS. i did however, sign up for NUS dance ensemble, and i'm hoping i won't make a fool of myself when i audition for zaini. i think freshmen year is going to be good for me because i will learn humility and the real art of moving on. will pray for best results.

yay i just convinced guangling to audition with me.

ok i'm off to take a snooze before dinner. ciao guys

2007-07-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

Psalm 23 is a lifesaver.

2007-07-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

i've had a very eventful weekend with my sweetheart, who insisted on paying for a pair of gorgeous copper ballet-flats from prettyFIT. while i'm usually the type to eschew boutique stores, i couldn't help myself but feel like buying it. i think it was the effects of shopping with princess (ok i dragged her out on friday. i needed clothes for uni.) and smife. oh, smife's got the same pair of shoes too X)

***

The Seagull was fantastic! ok yes i know, there are only 2 things singapore will be talking about come the end of this weekend: harry potter and king lear. i don't give a hoot about Broomstick Boy, but i know Lear raves are bound to get michael sad and depressed and feeling stupid that he bought the wrong tickets for the wrong show, so everyone please avoid talking about king lear in front of michael. but i love you very much sweetheart. you make me very very happy :)

and yes, The Seagull was fantastic! even Romala Garai, the youngest and most inexperienced actor, was an absolute pleasure to watch. i must say, she has grown a lot as an actor the last time i watched her as Katie Miller in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. not just playing the little blonde girl finding her way in Cuba, but someone who struggles through much worse as Nina. Trevor Nunn stuck fast to subtlety in his directorial concept, so that the simplest stage moments of complete inaction made for powerful tableaux. michael was very accurate in pointing out that it is very difficult to be emotionally attached to any one character, and it's true, because everyone faced a struggle and no one became The Seagull in the end. Chekov made 50% of the magic possible with the intricacies of plot and character development, and the directing and acting added the finishing touches to this beautifully tragic tapestry depicting the erosion of emotion and humanity in a dysfunctional family. and when the lights finally dimmed, i think it took about 5 seconds for the full weight of that balloon-prick ending to really sink in. i take my hat off to William Gaunt, whose co-stars lauded him for leaving very big shoes for Ian McKellen to fill for the night show. in a way, i'm glad that Gaunt took the role instead, which helped because then i could fully appreciate the charming idiosyncracies of his character Sorin, and how he moulded Sorin into the way that he is. i think if it was McKellen, i wouldn't have been able to focus on Sorin as much.

it goes without saying that i think the local theatre arts scene has a lot to learn from RSC. stylistically, in a country where theatre=drama that is ABOUT ANGRYLESBIANSANDGAYS or ANGRYSTRAIGHTS, or TONNESOFNUDITYANDSWEARWORDS because ILOOKEDGYTHATWAY, Seagull scores with its deafening quietness, and the implications in its silences. and the humility of the RSC people is something that is very warming. some local directors bask in the glory of the conventional Christmas pantomine act, and actors and actresses smile and sign autographs. so it is an entirely different and heart-warming thing to see the assistant director step out in simple sleeveless blacks and tell the audience 'hey y'all, please stay if you want to, the actors are coming out to talk to you.' my only regret was that i was too chickened to ask anything, because i was pretty sure if someone handed me the mike, i would've spent 2 minutes gushing to Romola Garai about Havana Nights haha.

yup so there, a happy weekend :) thank you again sweetheart.

2007-07-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

i feel like kicking myself because i baked the second Moon Rock of my life X(

-scowls and gnashes teeth-

my bad. i thought the oatmeal and chocolate chip cookie recipe was some sort of a "universal cookie dough" and -quite wrongly- assumed that if i switched the ingredients nothing would go wrong. i was hoping to do something with almonds because i know grammy loves almonds and i really wanted to make something for her and make her smile.

so anyway, i got a complete shock when i checked my first batch and i realised that all the cookies had kinda, i don't know, slopped together to form this gigantic cookie-cake the size of the ceramic plate i was using. my second wrong assumption came when i attributed this disaster to the little expansion space i alloted each cookie. with fingers crossed, i slid the second plate of cookies in and watched my cookies closely i.e. nose practically pressed to the oven door. and realised that some funny layer of oil was oozing out of my cookies. now i was pretty sure it wasn't because i greased the plate too much. and then it finally hit me.

almond oil was coming out from the uncooked cookie dough and generally making everything wet and gooey so that the dough dollops slid together, thus causing them to be baked into a cake! and the texture is so weird!! it's dry

way to go einstein, but that didn't save the cookies =( mum was laughing as me as i tried to saw them off the plate just now. and to think i spent 1 hour hunched over a bowl, snipping all them almonds into the correct size.

***

in other news, i want a robot car!! no actually i just want to kidnap bumble bee haha. you see, i'm not a guy, so obviously i can't walk out of the cinema wanting to kidnap megan fox (how wrong is that O_o). neither am i simply a girl who wants to catch a robot flick, because everyone knows i have pretty masculine tastes (hee..), so yes i want the robot car X)

i'm a sucker for action flicks and fart shows. but lately i've been catching too many fart shows so i need my fix of action. the car chases, jumping from skyscrapers, the FIGHT SCENES OH MY GOD, i luuuuuuuuuuuuuurve FIGHT SCENES, the guns blazing and the explosions..... gee i don't know where to start. hmm...might catch die hard 4.0 with someone. it's not like the industry hasn't produced a good action show. i mean they have; think the matrix trilogy, minority report, shooter etc. but i'm getting bored with aliens and jumping across buildings and flying and getting caught in spiderwebs. i love pure, unadulterated ACTION. which explains why batman still ranks as my number one superhero. that's one raw, hands-on guy who takes down baddies his OWN HANDS, aided by gadgets which HE HELPS TO DESIGN. so there, all man, but a hero nonetheless.

anway, i totally dig john mclane, not because i am in love with bruce willis (though i cannot understand why demi moore divorced him to marry kutcher. kutcher's a cool kid, but not very bright innit?) the only person who manages to talk tough like him is Dirty Harry, played by the age-old Clint Eastwood in the 70s. and quite unlike Rambo or Arnie-type, machine gun-touting meat loaves, dear old mclane is witty enough to make me laugh genuinely.

yup, i'm a girl who knows my action =)

2007-07-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

i woke up today with the sun still shining. and that's all that matters.

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance around Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shalll not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon my grave
For in Your path i'll run and hide

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That i may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

Sweet Jesus, carry me away
From cold of night and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt-worn eye
Be my desire, my well-spring lye

2007-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

i've eaten ice cream two days in a row O_o !!! aargh...i turn into this bottomless pit during that time of the month. yesterday was lunch with grammy at Curry Wok, and everyone who has eaten there at least once knows your food just seems to disappear the minute it is served onto the table. and after that heavy lunch i proceeded to fall dead asleep on grammy's bed for two hours before hurrying off to FOH. when FOH wrapped up at about 11 plus i finished some black sesame and cream cheese bun which was supposed to be my breakfast. i'm turning into miss piggy with a fat face =(

***

dad wanted to make sure that jie passed her driving test on her own merit, so he made jie pick up grammy at tanglin, then drive us to coronation where Curry Wok was at. now i know i'm very mean to jie and i call her a lot of stupid names and make fun of her driving and all, but i seriously think that she would've done a better job if not for dad sitting in the passenger seat and grilling her non-stop. he kept telling her to look at a hundred and one things, then proceeded to tick her off for everything which she did not do/ was doing wrong. mum was glaring at me as i openly rolled my eyes in the back, but my decision is sealed:

unless i'm deathly bored or deathly desperate (i.e. they cancel all bus services plying my estate), i will only take up driving when i'm officially not staying with my parents.

spare me the grilling. i'm not at patient as jie, and if either of them start on me i think i will actually pull the hand brake, grab my bag and take a bus to wherever we have to go.

***

i'm listening to jie discuss what classes to take with her elite LKC scholar bunch and it's bordering on the point of ludicrous as the phone calls increase. so jie's really excited about taking law and all that (i honestly feel she's just hopping on the bandwagon of "new and hip" in SMU) and is debating with her coursemate whether they should bid for a module taught by an ex-judge or an NUS import. i think they were comparing both lecturers' CVs and all that. it's quite alarming how much rogue power "chewrens" have "nowsadays" (thank you Charles), but i guess it ain't helping with technology. sure, you don't want to get stuck with monotone drone of a stick for a lecturer for 3 months but hmm...comparing lecturers' CVs... i personally think that's a bit scary.

as far as i can tell, i CAN wait for the FASS term to start. and once it starts i'd probably can't wait for each term to END. unlike my over-enthusiastic sister, i'm actually not looking foward to the start of the school term. it's not so much the fact that i won't be able to enjoy my couch potato life and all, but it's just been so difficult to muster the same kind of 'yippee school!' excitement i had before i began term in college. i mean, heck, i don't even know how to bid for modules and how everything's supposed to work. so ya.... the worrying unfamiliarity of varsity life (i.e. getting to the bloody campus, bidding for those damn courses... like why the hell bid for them? i survived the A levels isn't that enough?!) is part of the reason why going to FASS is really a lacklustre thing for me.

another reason is .... well.. i know i chose FASS and all, but the sludge of not having a hands-on TS programme is eating at my ass. i'm hoping i'll get some exposure of work onstage again, even though i hate acting and all, because i'll just die having to sit on my ass to read about something which is meant to be PERFORMED. i got very moody and depressed in my contemplation and jie's holier-than-thou lecture didn't help. princess is being very patient and accomodating and doesn't fail to comfort me and assure me that it's not that bad, and the worse thing is, i know it's not that bad, but.....sigh...it's just FASS.

***

my left knee is clicking painfully and i'm crossing my fingers and hoping that it's not dance which is the cause.

just got seized by a sudden panic: what if i am forced to change my from my love-soccer-and-still-play-badly ways?

2007-07-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

jie passed her driving, much to hao's chagrin and my surprise. muahahaha, shall make her drive me around X)

***

i'm back from quite a satisfying day. i packed the rough paper corner of my desk, mainly because it has become my dumping ground for virtually every kind of print material i bring into my room. also, i reassembled a Christian Corner in one of the shelves of the ridiculously empty book case in my room. so tomorrow, i shall pack my infamous Left Side of The Bed.

now to complete this satisfaction, all i have to do is DO my QT.

***

i'm happy i met up with michael today, even if for a short while. we timed our journeys such that we took the same train as i went to the esplanade and he went to meet the bryans. nothing like making my darling smile to complete my day X) went about my FOH duties with a wider grin on my face, even though sales were low today. yes singaporeans grated and got on my nerves, but i'm still pretty much very happy still.

heading off to sleep, night you all

2007-07-09T03:34:00.000-07:00

Federer is king. so sorry Nadal, wait it out a bit longer muahaha. well at least the Ugly Spaniard isn't a Bastard Spaniard--think whiny Alonso muttering and grumbling on the F1 circuits.

***

today was bloody unhealthy. i had an entire bag of low-fat but very heavily flavoured chips for breakfast. i don't know, those damn chips just seem to disappear so damn fast when i'm reading the papers. had lunch and fell dead asleep until 1538. i woke up panicking and flew out of the house after my shower because i had to pick up michael's game, but most importantly, to meet dearest Saw Saw because the poor dude was feeling depressed about having to fly back on saturday. he only just docked in singapore 2 thursdays ago, and he's going to be gone again =(

anyhu, we pigged out at island creamery. i swear everyone should so totally hang out with me when i'm having my period, because it is only then that my appetite increases by twofold, and i eat all kinds of nonsense which i usually don't eat in all kinds of proportions which you don't usually see me gobble down. so Saw stuck with a single scoop of Reverso, and i went for a double scoop of Teh Tarik and Pear Sake. fyi, the latter tasted remotely of pear, but nothing like sake, so i concluded it was just a very watered down pear sorbet. i miss apple pie!! bring it back you bunch of good-looking-and-otherwise-good-for-nothing-else people!!!

so we talked about school starting for the both of us, a certain someone, church and a hell load of other things. and as we did that i just thought about the importance of a christian fellowship and was very grateful to God who blessed with me so many special people from church whom i have grown to treasure. Saw is a great dude with bad hair and we all love him for that. i feel really sad for him, because besides having to come back and then fly off all the time, most of the time people aren't free to meet him because they have school and stuf. the guy's got so bored he actually started watching taiwanese drama serials, and that's saying something because he can't digest anything chinese.

speaking of chinese, both bing and saw looked like they just got slapped in the face when we sang a chinese song for dean's wedding service. haha.

so my wise ol' dude gave me some advice for uni which i really appreciate, and chastised me for leaving him out of michael's present. then we walked to the bus stop and walked back to island creamery because he had to get ice cream for tracy dear. i swear, Saw's the only guy i know who lets his sisters paint his nails haha. really! he's a great bro. that said, i bade him farewell as he walked back. i'm going to miss his rowdiness in YG. dude, please take care, and i'll fry your ass if you smoke or drink like a fish down under.

***

was hugging michael's Power Grid protectively to my chest as i made my way up to the crowded bus. despite my best efforts to keep my darling's game undamaged, the box suffered a tiny dent at the bottom and my face got quite black for the rest of the trip home. but at least the game is sitting safe on my bed now.

i have to start counting my blessings in this relationship instead of riding on a romantic high all the time. things are changing and will keep changing, and very soon the both of us have to cope with army AND university. plus the fact that we're both changing in slight ways to. while the past few weeks have been nothing short of trying and frustrating, i take comfort in the simple fact that i have loved michael for slightly over one and a half years already, and i still wake up loving him every morning.

2007-07-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

sport yells:
1) go Raikkonen!! the swedish iceman takes down the annoying spaniard as ferrari grab the chequered flag for the British Grand Prix. got an extra kick watching a sour-faced alonso mutter the obligatory congratulations :P
2) henin-hardene never made it to Wimbledon finals. not happy that bloody venus williams won. not at all. blah
3) am watching the wimbledon men's finals. i hate to say it, but nadal is really giving federer a run for his money. i think federer's making too may errors.

***
weekend of activity after activity. i came home today after youthjam at church and KOed on the bed until 8pm... would've stayed with my baby because i miss him so, and every week just keeps getting crazier and crazier and its getting so hard to spend time with him well...

Dean and Ling Siew's wedding
congrats to dean and ling siew!

it was indeed a very beautiful thing to watch a church wedding, and horrors of all horrors i found myself being dangerously close to tears at MANY POINTS of the wedding. i think ling siew must have been pretty mortified at some point in time because she cried a lot, but ... it was indeed a wonderful moment to be in the Sanctuary and share this moment with them. another highlight was the food, both for the lunch buffet and the dinner. THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME! IT WAS REALLY TOUCHING!!

i wasn't all so serene before the service began, if you were wondering. for one, thanks to daddy who gave me a lift to church because of the horrible weather. but i overestimated wet weather conditions and ended up there at 0915 when the invitation said 1015 -_-'' so i was marooned and feeling a bit lost,stupid with my big bag (because i was going to change at michael's place) and my green dress (which kinda ran colour in the wash but because it was so pretty i really wanted to wear it). the bane of the entire day was my collapsing hair, which flopped around like a lembek lalang, and it got on michael's nerves that i kept calling myself 'an ugly bitch', but i really did feel like one =(

the dinner made my day, because i walked into the ballroom with michael with my arm tucked into the crook of his elbow, and it always makes me very happy whenever i can do that XD everyone told me that they liked my hair (so there to mum and jie, who complained non stop about how ugly i looked) and eleanor was so sweet; she poked me and said i looked very pretty haha! but for a while i did look like a joke because sharper people noticed how awfully uncomfortable i looked in a dress and told me so.

aileen (patiently): kai, you have to relax and breathe, because you're walking around with this face that says 'OH MY GOD I'M IN A DRESS'.

i'm proud to say that michael only had eyes for me last night. hee.

thank you ros for saving me with your clutch bag so that i would be clutching the bag and not my hair.

***

then there was youth games and youthjam today. i was so sad that i couldn't play captain's ball or soccer, because dan's class on friday really made me ache all over, so i sat out. but that didn't buy me immunity from water bombing, and my ass got totally soaked. i was walking around with a pang sai zhui stain on my denim skirt even after lunch. then michael came over to hug me after 2 hrs of soccer and being the victim of 5 over-zealous boys armed with many water bombs >.<

i am very disturbed with simeon's viciousness. while everyone used water from the cooler, the cheeky little sneak twaddled his way to the pond and filled a few bags.

***

youthjam was...ok i guess? i'm not used to the quirky sounds of an organ, and i'm not very good at playing accompaniment, so i tried very hard not to look bored. ah well...

***
powergrid's in the house darling! i'll collect it tmr!

2007-07-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

i chopped the sticks on my head. and i've got a short-at-the-back, long-at-the-front look now. it may not be the best, but at least it's edgy enough to soften the in-your-face colour of my spectacles. because you know i hate taking photos, you gotta hope that you'll bump into me on the streets to witness this phenomenal change hahaha.

the narcissist that i am =P

***

yesterday's Dim Sum show was ok. this FOH assignment is actually one of my more relaxed theatre assignments because i actually had a good 45 minutes to slack. dinner wasn't rushed at all, albeit a tad too late for my gastrict-prone stomach. as usual, i got a tad worked up after the pre-show sales, because selling things to bloody singaporeans has got to be one of the worst jobs in the world. people are so blatantly cheapskate it's painful to have to experience it. i had programs THRUST hurriedly back into my face even before i could finish saying 'it's 5 dollars per programme.'

but it's quite sian to have to wait around for the autograph signing session to end. stars are pretty damn indulgent in that sense. hmmmm...

***

and i'm dreading saturday. well yeah there's always dean's wedding and dinner to look forward to, but something else is weighing on the back of my mind, and i'm not sure whether it will turn out ok after the whole fracas of last week until recently.

sigh...

and i'm feeling too far away from God again.

2007-07-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

because it feels like you don't care anymore.

***

on a brighter note, princess and i make quite a good baking team. our attempt at chocolate muffins with cream cheese filling was actually not bad, except that some of the muffins had a smooshy bottom of cheese which detached when the cupcake wrapper was peeled away. i hope we can perfect it before she flies off.

***

am going to have a long day tomorrow. first to tackle is the long long long trip back to college to help kyna and probably steph. next is my first night doing dim sum dollies FOH. something tells me i will screw up. selling programmes and memorabilia is not an easy task.

2007-07-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

i am fully prepared to go to RJ to help the TSD kids in future.

today's trip back to college was appallingly horrendous, because it actually occurred to me that yes, VJ's theatre program just hit a new rock bottom and keeps sliding down. i watched one of best displays of SUPPORT GIVEN AT A CRUCIAL TIME as Claire's crew stood by, slacked, came late, then went missing as she got screwed venomously by Jireh (whom i'm quite surprised with.) i heard and personally witnessed horrible tales of juniors
- not memorising lines because they just 'don't feel like it'
- causing the collapse of T bars which nearly killed people
- slamming cupboard doors because they were told off for the shit way they have been crewing
- rolling eyes (my gosh, grow up)
- not bothering to get props they were supposed to get even with the group exams starting THIS THURSDAY
- having the balls to GRUMBLE after lofty got pissed off enough to yell at them to clean up the 24 hours (it's a fucking pigsty, worse than when we were using the place)

and the list goes on and on and on.

it's a slap in the face really. i am meeting people who chose, OUT OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL, to take a course so powerful, so beautiful, and so moving, and all i can do is stand helplessly and watch them totally run this course to the ground. vernie and i were more relieved than anything for the first 10 seconds when we bumped into lofty when he was cycling into the school (he was so nice and sweet! stopped on the road to hug us and talk to us! we love you lofty!!) and even as i examine my own disappointment and outrage, i can't imagine what it must be like for lofty to watch this catastrophic erosion take place, feel and watch the magic of VJ's TSD practically leak out of the windows. princess couldn't get over how jaded lofty was because he didn't hide it. it was almost scary.

on a not-so-grave note, i really hope steph and kyna come for dan's class this friday. both girls are fantastic dancers in their chosen genres, so it shocked me quite bad when i watched steph because she was actually dancing worse than me.

now you see, that's not humanly possible. just like how being shorter than me is not humanly possible.

anyway, i think a refresher course away from the stress of finding theatrical significance in their movement is a much-needed reprieve for my beleagured juniors. in their own words, they 'forgot how to dance'. i tried to help by letting them try dan's exercises. while they fared better than the average person who is doing dan's exercises for the first time, i was a tad worried about things like technique and flexibility for them. so i stretched them mercilessly today

-smiles benignly-

nah c'mon i wasn't so horrible. i did the exercises with them ok.

***

but ah well, vernie and i pigged out on carbo at thai express before heading off to her home to bake oatmeal choc chip cookies, which were quite a success!! yay happy happy, princess is one step closer to survival X) and i passed her her very belated birthday presents from me and michael. i hope you love them princess! royal subjects forever!

***

i'm really tired from all that scolding blah.

2007-06-28T23:11:00.000-07:00

it's my last day at work, and i think i can afford to be a tad bold, so i'm blogging in full view of anyone. ah well, my work's done,i've done the necessary filing, so my ass is good to go.
must say i'm going to miss all mah fine women in the ULA office. i think i've put on a bit of weight with all the food they keep feeding me! they seem to go to the best food courts/eateries all the time, and i'm uber bloated everytime i come back from lunch. on top of that, the tiny pantry is perpetually stocked with all kinds of nonsense, and they hit me with another round of food cometea break at 1600 hours. i'm the 'small girl' of the office haha. it's always 'hey come give to the small girl first...' or 'hey where's the small girl?' haha. sigh...this was a job which i didn't have to keep consciously reminding myself that i was working because of the 50 a day, but because i really kinda enjoyed the work. i baked a brownie for them, hopefully it tastes ok. well, all of you should know by now what a baking thespian i am -snort-

my boss brought me out to Din Tai Fung for a meal yesterday, and i finished lunch feeling really impressed and in awe. we had a nice time talking about film, theatre, and work. do you know she reads the Bible and Harry Potter in CHINESE? O_o woah ho, that's like major shit. and she told me about her little boy, who's going to be seven months old come this Sunday, and how when he was born, she and her husband had such a hard time trying not to panic because his lungs weren't developed and the first time she saw her baby was when he was in ICU with tubes sticking out of his body. we talked a bit about faith. it was nice tofind that we had a lot of common ground between the both of us =)

i have packed up most of the rubbish on my desk so that the only thing left behind will be files and stationary when the new secretary comes in on monday. there's talk that they might extend my employment, but we'll see about that.

***

i finally took out a pen to WRITE SOMETHING DOWN as i did QT last night. and it wasn't just writing down a prayer, but actually jotting down ideas the way i did for literature as i thumbed through chapters 1 to 3 of Revelations. Things are a tad clearer now so that's good. will be seeing ah Pek later so hopefully i'll take away something more about what i've covered.

i can't wait for Youthjam to begin! i am EXTREMELY nervous because i haven't played the piano or the guitar seriously enough, and of course, i'm not good enough compared to the other maestros in the music team. something tells me that i'm going to get my ass pwned so badly when i start, like how valentia and i got owned by Dan's first few lessons. ah well, i'm going there to learn, and everyone's entitled to learn, so i shall shamelessly make my mistakes haha.

***

next to simon, princess' present is going to be one of the quirkiest things i have ever gotten for someone haha.

2007-06-26T05:24:00.001-07:00

today was a pretty ok day at work. save for the boo boos i kept making (gosh where did careful, fastidious Kai go?) i actually managed to clear ALL work pretty fast and even went home to do some of Dan's stretches and exercises. yeah, like no files on my desk. i actually filed and drafted letters for EVERYTHING.

the funniest thing that happened today was anthony's cursing fit. anthony (one of the young partners in the firm) was complaining about an uncooperative client and went into a 'fuck him' flurry, ending with flourish with 'if i see him on the streets outside i will whack him and pay someone to screw him in the backside.'

which is quite uncharacteristic of a smooth-talking lawyer. but ah well, anto has his quirks as a genius.

i was packing my desk before i headed off for home not too long ago and it hit me that i won't be working as of next week! i must admit i'm actually quite sad to leave this job! yes i was really stretched by demands and compressed by deadlines, so by the end of my first few days i had the steel of muah chee, but i relished doing a good job all the time, and when i made a mistake i went about correcting it to my best abilities. and i think i've got nice colleagues and a nice boss. edwina actually offered to buy me dinner on my last day and i felt so bad i declined at first, because the memory of stressing her out after a tiring day at court with all my crappy drafted letters did make me cringe quite a bit. yeah, she does make me photocopy quite a bit, and she doesn't give very clear instructions all the time, but i get by.

blah i am really going to miss that job

***

and i think i'm putting on weight. my 25 minute stretching routine was incomplete, and even then i felt the strain as i stretched out my arm to bring the vegetable dish closer to me. kai is so unfit and so fat =(

2007-06-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

i've had a very refreshing weekend which brought me right back to what it's like to have a good bunch of friends. i admit that i probably did get too caught up with being a good girlfriend that at some points in time i have been a horrible ding-dong of a pal, so to those whom i have neglected, i'm sorry, and i'm grateful that i got to know you.

and saturday was all about that. talking and laughing without a care, the surreal, snapshot-perfect moment of moz and denys strumming on the guitar. and suddenly everything seemed even better when we got news that bobby just got accepted by NUS to do political science. divyesh and imran taking potshots at each other. and when shit hit the fan with my dad raving pissed on the other line, shawn drove me home.

sigh...i had to do ALL of that to realise i miss you guys. it's my promise that i'll go for another meet-up before school starts, and when i do, i will bake something for you guys k?

muahaha, fear me. Kai in the kitchen.

***

michael just got posted to sungei gedong. i joked about it for a while and told him not to worry because he would be surrounded by a lot of people, just that they are six feet under (i.e. Lim Chu Kang cemetery) haha. in truth, i'm really worried. none of his close friends will be with him. sigh...and he's been so down these few days, and he just fell sick. he was blowing his nose during service after a long sneezing onslaught, and suddenly red spots started to appear in the tissue.

i'll pray very hard for him

***

and i'm getting so tired nowadays it's disgusting. i think i'm putting on weight

2007-06-19T22:28:00.002-07:00

you know its too cold when you stop feeling your fingertips halfway into the day. and that's what i'm essentially feeling now as i type in vain to remove this annoying numbness. just before lunch, i went to the pantry to make a cup of milo, and blah the pantry offered no respite whatsoever because it only got colder after a while. then when i tried to refill the thermal flask-boiler, i got steamed by steam, which was a bit more painful than i expected, considering my near frozen state. so yeah.

brrrrrrrrrr.

i almost couldn't handle yesterday's workload. i kept typing everything wrongly and when all my letters had been checked, i still had to fax them out and it was 1835 by the time i was done and fled the office. today's been ok so far, but i never know what to expect, especially when my boss starts firing out last minute orders. blah

anyway, Sandwich Girl saves another day of lunch money XD it's waaay past the half-month mark, and i still have $80 bucks left of my allowance. plus with the cheque of this week's earnings coming in on friday, i will finally have cash to

1) buy all those overdue presents (Vernie, jie, aaron, ros, treat my darling to something)
2) pay for 'Dream Sneakers X', which i have yet to come across
3) make sure my bank account balance stays at an amount where mum won't make noise
4) meet up with friends who are coming back or flying off

i think i will probably treat myself to Soup Spoon at the end of the week. anyone keen to meet me for lunch on fri?

2007-06-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

i'm munching on my sandwich now as i type this. the office is empty save for me and Benny, the printer guy. everyone seems really amused with my sandwich packing habits. so early in the morn, jason stops by table (i say table because 'cubicle' sounds like people are dropping by the place i pee) and asks if i have any plans for lunch, because elaine and zhining will be lunching with him today, so he thought i could hang around some church folk. then he starts to smile, coughs a bit and adds 'that's if well...you didn't pack your sandwich today.' the ladies in the office are warming a bit to me and find me 'very young ah!' or 'very interesting leh!' because i am

a) waiting for uni to start and
b) i want to take theatre

so anyway, they did ask me to go for lunch with them but i declined and told them i brought sandwiches. and some of them blurted 'sandwich? again?' people don't understand why i don't mind eating the same kind of food at a stretch. but ah well, it doesn't really matter for someone like me, who eats to aviod gastrict. makes life a lot easier that way.

and thanks to mummy who makes sandwiches for me every morning XD

work is getting more challenging and increasing in volume, as always. i think--this being my second admin job-- i just might grow accustomed to working a desk job. yes nothing can replace theatre and yes i hate politics and will probably keep getting fired when politics start to set in , but i've got more steel than that and princess is right. the job's brainless at times, and i can't deny that 2 days work in the office probably pays the same as a month-long commitment to a production. my only gripe is that management companies of office buildings assume that business coats= eskimo fur coats, so i stuggle to survive in sub-zero conditions without any chance to get on my feet much, save the 1 metre walk from my desk to the photocopying machine and my boss' office.

brrrrrrr.

but i comfort myself. i get a cheap thrill going to the pantry to make coffee. i don't know why. it just makes me so happy and gleeful. i have this wide grin on my face as i stir in the 3-in-1 coffee powder into a steaming cup. -snort- guess you could call me the Pantry Psycho. that's why i try to make coffee when people are rooted to their desks typing or when the office is empty. then i carry it carefully to my desk and drink it fast because it's so cold that boiling water becomes drinkable in 2 minutes. i shit you not.

ok back to typing letters. ciao guys.

2007-06-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

surprise surprise, i'm back to work. one of my church mates needed an extra hand in his -of all things- law firm and michael's mum recommended me. so i found myself waking up school-day-early to report to his office. this job is...well...the admin work here is slightly more challenging, but the good thing is i'm always occupied. so the 9 to 6 doesn't feel quite so long.

but.

can you imagine stepping into the office on your first official day of work to find EVERY INCH (and i shit you not on 'every inch') of your desk covered with files, files and more files? i resisted the urge to stare slack-jawed at the towering mass and sure enough, the first thought that came to my mind was proven right at the end of the day: i didn't manage to complete what my boss had set out for me to do. a lot of things to learn about their data entry systems and sending letters blah blah blah. quite some time was spent on listening to them give instructions in a very lawyer-ish way i.e. drop a whole barrage of information on you and then smile patiently as you struggle to compose your face into a 'yes i understand perfectly' expression. i could have got off work on the dot at 1800 hours but i had no choice but to sit through 15 minutes of my boss telling me WHY she wanted more copies of a certain document to be prepared a certain way instead of telling WHAT to do to prepare the damn documents. as in, she's really nice, but well, guess living the lawyer life for so long makes you forget that sometimes reasoning is not needed in simple situations. like preparing a document. i don't need to know the rationale behind the stamping and photocopying, i just want to know HOW MANY. so yes, must call on Powers of Zen.

another thing which i don't really like about this job is the severe lack of people-to-people interaction. in a good and bad way, people leave me alone as i cut, paste and type at my cubicle. they do drop by from time to time--to remind me to photocopy and record accurately. while i don't exactly mind being left alone, my mind couldn't help but wander over to all those times i was running shows. i was on my feet, sometimes yelling at people, watching the stage and cue-calling, experiencing everything from sadness, misery, exhaustion, exhileration, humour, joy, relief. i feel office jobs sometimes sterilise the emotions out of life, removing all those powerful snapshots of living.

ah well...for fifty a day, i'll shut my trap and work.

2007-06-15T07:44:00.001-07:00

i think not being able to get a stable job should replace sloth as one of the seven deadly sins.

2007-06-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

my dearest grammy is asleep on my bed and i'm typing this while sitting near her. sigh... i'm so worried for grammy. she just got hit by a dizzy spell AGAIN, and this time it got quite bad because the doc prescribed meds which made the dizziness worse. jie, hao and i were a bit sad because we baked a brownie and wanted her to try it, but ah well... as long as she is fine. sometimes i wish i could speak better cantonese, so i can joke with grammy and make her smile. i know she laughs at my crazy antics at home, but nothing beats talking to grammy. i know the last time i did, i unearthed so many things about her life that totally shocked me. i know it sounds very typical of a Hard Life, like her mother dying young, her father never bothering to get her educated, until i get to the part where my grandfather (by golly) squanders whatever fortune they amassed on mistresses who would harrass my grandma.

jaw-dropping? you bet.

i know princess you'll snort if i say this, but to everyone who reads this, if your por por or your ma ma is alive, please treasure her. grandmothers are gems. take it from someone who lost 3 grandparents in a year.

***

the funniest thing to be said in the Fu household today:

-from Mum to my slightly blur but very efficient and nice maid-

"Err sorry can you please sharpen this fruit knife? Potong orang tidak mati.'

that got me quite tickled.

***

i'm left wondering whether sulas and i are the only antisocial people who have no intention to go for any of the freshmen camps. the few pple whom i KNOW are going to FASS seem dead interested in going for the camps. but alas, my patience for varsity is running low.

mum's rather unhappy that i have no desire to involve myself in anything that will enrich me (surprisingly my contemporary dance classes don't make it to the list) and is quite pissed that i refuse to:
1) learn driving now
2) interact with any form of FASS propaganda (i was in the car looking through some freshmen camp material and muttered 'fuckload of crap' and she actually jam braked. oops.)
3) get a real job
4) get a job that actually pays me (because she does not understand my willingness to put in long hours working with a lot of irresponsible people and not get paid a single cent. actually sometimes michael doesn't understand it too..hmm...)
but my reasons remain: i like my life the way it is. getting fat and knowing i'll complain about it later, and knowing i can choose to work it off or sleep on it AT ANY POINT OF TIME OF THE DAY.

please people. live life. there's so much you can do with a bit of time freed up. really.

***
When Satan tempts me to despair, And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Saviour died, my sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on him and pardon me

i think i need to stop sinking and start moving. and i need to stop thinking that i must do everything. i have God for that. and He does everything. Really.

2007-06-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

i think i'm living a bit of a antisocial life, so to all who have written to me and have yet to receive my reply, or who have wanted to meet up but have yet to, i'm sorry, i'm trying to get myself in order before i go out to meet the world.

i can't even talk to jie and hao. they are always running off on their own, baking, going out with clement, having fun. i don't even feel at home, at home, anymore. maybe it's because i've been spending too much time out with Sentio, church camp, and michael. so ya i guess i'm partially responsible for it, but why am i always the one asking to be included in their little outings? and then having to face a cursory 'oh ya, we're doing this, do you want to join us?'

so i'm basically feeling very far away from everyone and everything, and also feeling a bit miserable because of this plus other auxillary factors. like my bankruptcy. haven't bought jie's and vernie's present, and i owe michael a tonne of cash for all the things he pays for me but i insist on paying back (gah the list grows longer everyday), on top of his board game which ISN'T here yet, and bing's birthday present. sigh....and i just paid for term 3 of dance and church camp.

and i'm feeling very far away from God. which..trust me, is quite a horrible feeling because i'm slipping down a very horrible path.

2007-06-11T02:19:00.000-07:00

sentio was a steep learning curve

2007-06-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

hi guys, i'm back from a very cautious and casual, at times inspiring but overall rather relaxed youth camp. it was quite a challenge to tell myself not to be disappointed, and to be more patient with the people around me. youth camp was quite an eye-opener, and i must say i have finally experienced firsthand the problems pek ya is experiencing as a youth worker.

sigh..i actually have nothing much to say now...just very tired and unfocused and feeling guilty.

2007-05-28T00:42:00.000-07:00

i am recuperating slightly from the shocking bout of a sore throat and fever and NUS sends me their official rejection for the GMS scholarship. ok let's face it, i knew it would take many miracles of epic proportions for me to even get an interview, and while i wasn't too bummed about the fact that i didn't get it considering my absolutely shitty grades (ok fine...75% disappointment) i was more pissed with the scumbag-condescending way they said 'we understand your disappointment', then provided a link for me to check out the various financial assistant plans the university was offering. princess is right; NUS has this unpleasant touch in their letters, like it's magnanimity on their part to accept you into the university, and that they are being really nice by offering you financial assistance. NUS admin can kiss ass.

***

on a brighter note, i thoroughly enjoyed friday's dance lesson. ok i tried to hold back my enthusiasm because valentia struggled for a bit, but we both left quite happy. Dan focused on stretching and technique that night, and i literally stretched myself so much further than i thought i was capable of. goody goody now i know how to warm up before classes in future :) and flexibility in my alternate leg (ie my right leg) is getting better. my coordination still tends to screw up when i am required to do more complicated things, but i take it that i have improved because i can do better split jumps with my right leg. sadly, i may be developing bulky calf muscles in no time because of all those jumps in first position Dan makes us do, WITHOUT BENDING OUR KNEES!! small price to pay for something i like to do. still considering whether i should join NUS Dance Ensemble. i think my ass will be pwned by all the experienced dancers there (yeah i have a preeety good idea who is going to join, and no the person i have in mind is not my dear miss smith) and i won't even make it past the first audition round. ah well....that said i'm REALLY NOT KEEN on starting school, even though liting tells me it's not so bad. sigh... =(

miss smith tells me she might need me to stage manage for her show because it turns out that the stage managers her ex-co members picked do not have any experience whatsoever. frankly, stage managing is an idiot's job. you go in there and you iron out the nitty-gritty which people don't like to do. it's a lot work, and it's quite high-stress, but it's very fulfilling work. michael's ok with the job, he's just afraid that it will be awkward for me and all, but i'll be strong for my dearest.

***

and since i have nothing else left to blog about, i shall end with an oft-mentioned proclamation: i love my boyfriend so very much X)

2007-05-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

the whole week's been spent shuttling back and forth from NUH, because my cousin brandon's been holed up there, flat on his back with a nasty case of pneumothorax. everyone's been particularly fraught with nerves, especially when there was a severe fiasco of badly attached tubes in Alexandra, which resulted in him being shipped to ICU there, where his lungs collapsed. just as well a bed in NUH was freed up, so he got planted there, where he's currently recuperating. get well soon brandy boy ;)

***

do i live too fast for the people around me? i'm upset and confused. i know i'm a selfish fuck sometimes, but i'm still working my way out of it.

2007-05-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

fly away safely princess, your royal subjects await your return. after all your throne lies in the great big outside ;) i'll miss you vernie.

***
sigh, everyone's flying off, so on top of my varsity misery i have to contend with loneliness. i've thought about it and maybe with God's guidance and strength i'll learn how to break out of my comfort zone and find more friends. i look quite gregarious and all over the place but i've thought about it a few times and i realise that i have very little close friends whom i really treasure and even less social friends. so yes, perhaps this is a sign that i'm not as 'I'-type as i thought i was.

the upside is that i am quite set on NOT going for any of the freshman camps. just got Liting's stamp of rubbish (yes man, that's my Spatchcock NUS Dean's List A lister for ya!) for the freshman camps. i am NOT wasting precious time which i can spend with my dearest and my friends doing more fun things like play board games at settler's or go for coffee. as it is i'm beginning school on 6 bloody August, and my ass is feeling the pinch as the days draw closer. i'm already giving 4 years of my life to NUS, i ain't giving anymore unless i really want to. that includes no deposits (aka freshmen camps) or any sort of that rubbish.

i'm getting undecided and wavering on my resolve to pay off student loans in the future. and that reminds me, i still haven't accepted my NUS offer. sigh... will visit the bloody website later.

***
i broke a cup in settler's cafe yesterday during the boardgame meetup. Sorry Settler's Holland!! i'm such a klutz honestly. i leaned over to get a closer look at the board but my elbow connected with something. so the minute i felt that i had pushed something off the table, i turned to look just as my empty glass exploded and shattered all over the floor. oh God it was so mortifying. so there i was dumbly staring at the mess and repeating 'oh gosh i'm so so sorry' first to michael (in case i ruined his game) then to the settler's staff who had gathered round, then to no one in particular as michael coaxed me to stand up and move away from the glass shards surrounding me. i think yesterday i finally understand what an annoying samaritan i can be because even in my dazed stupour, there i was, standing in the middle of glass shards looking like a damn fool but still apologising and even offering to take the broom from the settler's staff and sweep up the mess.

that was when i stretched out my hand and realised that it felt a bit funny. on closer inspection i realised that any movment of my right hand was causing suspicious red blobs to materialise in between my pinkie and my fourth finger. it was only then that it occurred to me that i got punctured by glass. and if michael didn't check for me i would have spent the whole day thinking that i had a mosquitoe bite on my ankle.

horrors of all horrors, i felt like crying when michael brought me to another table to help me clean up my wound. it wasn't because it hurt (even if it did i wouldn't admit it duh), but i was very touched that he was helping me to clean my wounds, because for all those times i sprained my ankle or got nasty patches of wounds i remembered gritting my teeth and dousing the injury with hot water and antiseptic or massaging a swell until it went down. myself. to have someone clean my wounds for me is...highly unprecedented and very touching.

***
thanks to paul and elsa for giving me a ride home last night! i hope i didn't come across as responding rudely when elsa suggested that i take the taxi with the them to church every morning, especially because i stayed so near. for obvious reasons let's just say one of us isn't ready. it was a nice gesture. but ya..not ready yet. dinner with winston, paul and elsa was extremely funny, and i enjoyed myself very much last night.

***
shall continue praying for my poor cousing Brandon, who's stuck in hospital with a pneumono-something condition that screws up the lungs. will also pray for a better response for the youth camp; at the rate we're going we're going to have more leaders than campers. jie's coming home tomorrow, will pray for a safe return and less dispute when she comes back.

***
i have been invited to dean and ling siew's wedding even though i don't know them very well. so on top of feeling paiseh, i have to come up with something appropriate to wear to Shangri La's Island Ballroom on the night of 7 july so that the horrible truth of michael dating a cabbage won't be exposed. yes, that's an indirect plea for help.

2007-05-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

today's dance lesson officially ranks as the worst dance lesson i've ever had. while the first few lessons when i was starting out was bad because i made a total fool of myself, today's lesson was catastrophic because i made a total fool of myself in front of a bunch of seasoned dancers. dan decided to bring his NJ dancers to crash our class, so there i was getting my hand and feet positions completely WRONG while lithe, fair and young looking girls with long long legs and super small waists waltzed their way across the studio with effortless flexiblity and grace. i felt like a buffalo who just jumped into a pond occupied by swans.

and i resolve never to turn into a Dance Girl, WHEN and IF i actually get to that level of dancing, which i probably never will.

gah i don't know what i'm saying.

in short, i feel horrible after this lesson. have half a mind to discontinue the course.. :(

2007-05-15T05:26:00.000-07:00

"you didn't submit something right?"
-Mum's first reaction when i told her about the delayed paycheck

sometimes, if God hadn't sent michael, it's not hard to believe that there's actually no one in this world who loves me.

2007-05-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

fuck zhonghua. i say it with a bit of guilt because i know God and tonnes of other people would like to see me stop swearing but i'm mega pissed and this time it's so big a screw up on their part.

fuck zhonghua and the office staff man honestly. so here i was, the dumb fool, waiting and waiting for the last of my pay to come in from the one week which i worked in april, and my bank account balance stays suspiciously stagnant. now you see, i'm actually quite a docile, S-type personality kinda girl who doesn't start getting antagonistic unless you do something really stupid to piss me off. in this case, the good people of the wondrous motherland certainly did. because when i called them this morning to inquire, i was told that they couldn't fax my part for pay because they couldn't find my time sheet. which pissed me off REALLY BIG because

1) if i didn't call, the 'oh ya', casual manner in which they mentioned that they couldn't fax my time sheet leads me to --i believe-- correctly assume that they simply could not be bothered to inform me that they couldn't find the documents required for me because it was too much of a hassle. the way they talked, it was made to sound like a convenient mistake which was expected to be pardoned. up yours fuckers.

2) there was no reason, other than BLATANT CARELESSNESS, A SHOCKING LACK OF PROFESSIONALISM, and FLAGRANT INEFFICIENCY, why my time sheet should go missing because i PERSONALLY handed in all my relevant pay-related documents to my admin officer on the last day of my employment. i walked to her cubicle, talked to her, gave her my documents, and saw her put it on the table. i did my part in submitting my documents, and my responsibility ends there. the fact that they suddenly couldn't find my documents, and didn't even bother to bloody call or clear up the discrepancy with me points to one thing.

fuck zhonghua. i hope they never ever produce a kid who would be proud of his or her alma mater, because the shithole is running itself down with a two-way rot of an uninspiring dickhead of a principal and, as a result, equally uninspired staff members who are too afraid of the students. by this year, if 85% of the graduating students feel ashamed to tell anyone that they came from zhonghua, i won't be surprised.

***

shit aside, quite amusingly, pek ya threatened to slap me today because i recommended that she buy an Il Divo CD. she was shopping for discs to cover the 3 for $49.90 deal and had already picked out Linkin' Park (i dissed her completely for the teenage-emo choice) and Justin Timberlake. so i held up Il Divo and laughingly told her she could bring 4 very good-looking men home and proceeded to laugh my ass off as she glared at me and promised violence. i swear all that was missing was the fire blowing out from her nose and her ears. gosh, pek ya's so funny. if ever i could mess up her hair and pat her head i would, but the woman's a strapping triathlete; she could lift me up with one hand by my throat and chuck me down the lavatory pipes. i tried to talk her into eating doughnuts too. needless to say, i failed.

***

sigh... the prospect of silently lumbering into FASS with at least 40% of the undergraduates in Singapore is getting me depressed. unlike people in SMU who..well, have a bit more satisfaction with their university entrance because they were at least interviewed and picked out of a batch of X number of students, i'm really just conveniently plopping down into NUS.

and everything about it spells DREARY and BORING for me. i know it's such a terribly negative attitude to take, but i'm really quite jaded and unimpressed with the way the FASS promoters repeat the phrase "we're hip and cool" more times than i care to remember. because of that, i'm not exactly keen to go for the freshmen camps (dear me i think i lost the booklet) in case i end up sitting through more propaganda of the weather and a part of the lower body.

and i was confronted with a shocking thought yesterday.

what if kai decides that she doesn't like theatre anymore?

i pray that when a day like that comes, i would already be married to michael, who has a steady job.

2007-05-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

kai would like to give a shout out to:
1) mummy. happy mother's day :) hope you weren't lying when you said you like the cookies. let's bake some together soon k? then we can bake some for grammy too :)
2) my dearest michael. happy birthday for 11 May all the way down to the weekend. i love you very very much :)
3) princess: if you call me three years down the road crying and saying that you flubbed out on your honours thesis i'll smack you. congrats for getting into NUS law!
4) bekky: please get well soon dear. miss laughing at you in church haha.
5) jialing: ros and i will be here for you.
6) jasmine my cupcake: thanks for the cookies. i'll miss your sweet nonchalant bitching when you fly off to warwick.

***

honest to goodness, i'm still kicking myself for failing to do enough for my darling's birthday. i mean, yes i met him after dance on the day of his birthday but i felt so terrible because i didn't buy him anything and in the end HE ended up buying ice cream for me because i was so hungry after viviene's very stretchy lesson =( what kind of loser plans a birthday for her boyfriend which sees him spending on something else other than transport?!!

spending saturday night together didn't exactly go without a hitch. it started raining (!!) and we got stuck in city hall. well..ok actually neither of us were in the mood to eat big, so i reluctantly scratched the billy bomber's idea and we settled for the pizza place. after which we walked about to look for a place to drink. initially we decided to go to balaclava, but it was so mahluating:

waiter: guys, could i have your ID to verify?
Kai: oh ok. you guys have an age limit thingum?
waiter: yeah actually we do. for 25 and above. you guys are..?
Kai: (dumbly) oh my boyfriend just turned 19.
waiter: err sorry...19 is a no-go.

so bloody embarrassing right? i'm cringing and laughing at myself as i type this. michael and i decided to abandon our adventure roaming for the night and we headed back to the trusty jazz club. in the dim lighting of the club, we had four drinks as we listenend to funky jazz and talked and laughed. i think it's a really wonderful thing that we haven't lost the "conversation" aspect of our relationship even when we got together. i can talk to michael about EVERYTHING without having to think 'oh dear, this will sound weird to my boyfriend. ok i shall censor it.' and above everything my boyfriend lets me do stupid embarrassing things in public and still proudly proclaims to the world that the mortifyingly idiotic fool who dramatically trips on her own two feet, walks into doors or attempts to blow out those ambience candles they put on the tables of restaurants and bars is still his girlfriend. the night of 12 may was one of many gems of sublimely beautiful snapshot moments which i will hold close to my heart and keep in my treasure trove of memories. sunday afternoon was spent lying in his arms, then baking cookies with him. i'll never forget the look on his face when he realised that valentia, bryan and i had actually gotten power grid for him. so adorable X)

-muack- i love my boyfriend so very much.

***

sunday was amusingly peculiar. partially because it was the first time i (and some of the dudes in my youth group) was ushering for church. i couldn't help feeling that everyone was looking at us and having the word 'noob' at the back of their heads. but at least i didn't like, drop the offering bag or something. just as well that i was on my feet and kept on my toes with my ushering job, because i really didn't understand this week's sermon. uncle tim was being refreshingly frank when he calmly described laureen ong's sermon as 'smoke'. i couldn't help laughing, but it wasn't because i found it true...well not exactly completely untrue, but because of the way he said it. i found laureen ong quite a pinteresque character, with a faraway look and a very faraway voice. she sounded like the female version of that yoga teacher everyone fell in love with in college. but anyway, i think most people couldn't connect with her sermon because she talks the same way as michael writes history essays: very seamles and fluid, with everything fitted in so perfectly you don't even know what came from where.

***
gah me, i've got money woes =( kai needs to find a way to pay for the youth camp and my third term of contemporary dance class. i want my reimbursement fast and i want my pay from zhonghua fast!!

2007-05-10T00:26:00.000-07:00

Congratulations for getting into SMU saif! :) :) :)

***

here's something to take note of folks:
when you're having brunch like, say, about 10am or 1130 am, don't order soup-based food e.g. prawn mee, beef noodles, yong tau fu. no no, it's not because you'll get indigestion, or your body suddenly produces carcinogens when you digest these foods. it's because the broth won't be tasty enough then! haha i learnt that from ah pek. it's quite duh right, but if you think about it, it actually DOES make sense; the broth wouldn't be boiled to the same concentration at 1130 as compared to like, 1300 hours. so eat something dry. like char kway teow or carrot cake or murtabak. yay i've finally tried murtabak!

that said, i thank God for a wonderful morning where ah pek and i sat and talked about life and did some Bible study after a very satisfying meal of adam road nasi lemak and iced teh tarik. unlike our previous meetings where it rained dull dogs and cantakerous cats, today was refreshingly balmy. i realised after today's session, that i have so much more of myself that i must learn to put aside before i can really learn more about God. we talked about the devotional passage about worry and i think i must consciously remind myself that there are many things that i have to trust God to take care of, and once i trust Him to, i must REALLY REALLY stop worrying that much. i left feeling very loved by God and challenged to know Him more :)

on my way home i contemplated writing my own comedy. hmm...

***

last night was a wonderful beautiful night spent with my sweetheart. we were sitting on his patio with a cup of kahlua on the rocks (haha his birthday splurge) and just enjoying being with each other. pity it was a starless sky, but that was never an issue. i never thought i would wake up marvelling at the reality of having someone love me, and it's one of the best feelings i've ever had. i wish i could marry michael now, but he has to fly to UK to sink himself into his puzzling world of history.

in short, i really love my boyfriend. Kai's a happy girl.

:)

2007-05-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

yay i baked cookies for mummy in advance for mother's day! a bit sad because she found the cookies a tad too sweet =( but i tried, and she more or less enjoyed eating them, so ah well. this is my first time baking it without michael and in a microwave oven, so the edible cookies were already a lot more than i could ask for. i hope mummy will finally realise that i can do something.

i did something very stupid though. i bought baking sheets only to realise that i did not having baking trays to line with baking sheets! =( maybe i'll sell them to jasmine or michael. i was playing musical plates as i was baking; i took to greasing my porcelain plates in place of trays, and baked different batches by spooning the mixture on the plates, then removing the baked cookies and filling them with more mixture. i've got about two-thirds of my cookie batter left. this time's is a bit dry, so i think i'll try to do something to it.

we got grandma to stay over with us yesterday. michael was tired so he couldn't join us for dinner, but grandma was very impressed and bowled over by the fact that michael got the scholarship. in typical grammy enthusiasm and delightedness, grammy waxed lyrical about my clever boyfriend (way to go sweetie!) and how i should learn from him. haha. pity she had a hard time trying to fall asleep in my room. i know she scared my brother when she woke up to use the toilet haha!

i remembered walking home yesterday and bumping into this kid i constantly see when i'm waiting for my inconsistent-as-heck feeder. i did a double take because it was the first time i was seeing him outside of his Catholic High Primary uniform, but i'll always remember his face, mainly because he has very round eyes and long eyelashes. i found myself smiling back but i think he was a bit shy and concentrated on manouvering his bicycle to the car because his two sisters were hurrying him. i thought it was a quietly nice moment, one those inexplicably beautiful snapshots of life which i tend to forget, but can never prepare myself for when they hit me.

***

i was contemplating stand-up comedy as a career when i was younger but alas, i'm not funny enough. nevertheless, dreams will be dreams, and since hearing that it's about 99 days before yisha flies off to canada, i think it would be really cool if i could go there and work for the Just for Gags industry. i hate TVmobile immensely because it's so annoying sometimes, but i'll allow myself to be distracted everytime JFG is screened. the whole idea of getting people to do stupid things and then everyone, including the minorly Punkd victim, gets a good laugh. i don't think singaporeans can laugh at themselves much, so JFG will be lost on us sadly. i do like to make people laugh :) though it remains to be seen whether they are laughing with me or at me :S

ok, must do QT tonight.

2007-05-06T03:57:00.000-07:00

michael's birthday plans seem to be going fine. i hope everything goes without a hitch. just sweating because i haven't started doing serious budgeting, only have been doing estimation. blah.

today was a wonderful day of God, coffee, Michael and games. marred by another uncomfortable encounter.

i don't have an issue with you being uncomfortable. but i have a big issue with you being uncomfortable and insisting that you are fine. i try but i cannot accept your inconsistencies so please, if you can't stand my face, or dislike my guts for some reason other than the fact that i've moved on with michael, let me know, and we'll both stay far and away from each other please thank you very much.

heads up guys: if you detest what you deem as 'annoyingly happy Christians' then i'd prefer that you don't read this entry. i'm not an entirely happy Christian but i'm very proud to be one, and if you find me annoying, up yours. thank you -smiles benignly-

church today got me thinking a lot about my life, as it is meant to. walking with God has its ups and downs, and to me, if service doesn't challenge me to at least look around in the short duration which i spend in the chapel/ church (for others), then i know i have to buck up and do my part to spend more time with God and in prayer.

which of course, i haven't been doing so for quite long. sorry God =(

so one of the bombs that God dropped on me today to remind me of my edgy self: He doesn't judge, and i'm in no way fit to question who He thinks is worthy/ good enough for anything. in the first place, am i? i'm not. i came flopping on his doorstep like a lembek potato crying like the Yangtze River because i need Him to save me and i still need Him to save me. the fact that i still remain judgemental doesn't mean that once i repent, God will forgive me. i've got to learn to let go and let live. i guess...it's like what Auntie Mei-Lin preached: do your holy work for your one boss -God- from your heart, because at the end of the day, when you stand before Him to enter heaven, there will be no bitterness and no regret as you present yourself to Him and say, 'here Lord, i hope i have served you with all my best.' and one of the quotes that pastor Kenneth related to us from some other dude today:

'All ground is level beneath the cross.'

God, i will try my best and also try my best not to fail you, but everything that i have now would not have been possible without You and Your mighty hand guiding my life. every opportunity You have created for me is by Your grace, and to honour that grace, the last thing i should do is gripe about peripheral annoyances. when i look around and the walls remain walls, it's Your reminder that in whatever i do, i serve You because i want to, and because i love You. it's not about whether people come late and it irks me greatly, or that i don't belong in a new environment. this opportunity is about You God, and the people You have placed into my life to form a fellowship with. so God, once again i pray for strength, i pray for forgiveness and will continue to pray for it, and i pray that You will teach me to love those who don't love me and/or love themselves. if You hadn't loved so mightily in the first place, the world wouldn't have Jesus, and the world wouldn't have redemption. teach me to love, God, even as i learn everyday to love You.

2007-05-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

groundbreaking news, at least in kai's little world:

MICHAEL HAS SUCCESSFULLY NAILED THE MOE OVERSEAS TEACHING SCHOLARSHIP!!

which makes me immensely proud of my boyfriend, because there are so little people like him who genuinely want to teach, and no one i know (besides dearest big-hair sumi) deserves the scholarship more than he does. i'm really really happy for my sweetheart. it's good for the future, because then at least one of us would have a steady job. can you imagine me trying to feed 2 kids and sustain a household on my odd jobs in the theatre industry? haha!

yes. i'm very happy for him and very proud of him.

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yes i'm also very scared and worried for him.

i'm sorry, i know i'm paranoid, and i'm not going to deny that, but i'm the kind of girl who worries whether it's raining or sunny when he goes for field camp, and i worry everytime we leave and won't stop worrying until i get a call from him to know that he is back home. the UK is far far far away from sunny singapore, and the minute he walks through those glass doors and takes his first step to england for the next 11 months or so, i won't stop worrying until he

- calls after the plane ride (i'm not afraid of plane rides, i'm more afraid of what would happen on the plane ride!) to england so that i know he is safe in the confines of the hostel
- is able to cook and lives somewhere/has found a place that sells decent food/food supplies
- is not cold
- survives the first week without feeling lonely, so i need to know that he has friends who will support him because i won't be there
- has readily available medical treatment not too far away from where he stays in the event his sensitive stomach acts up on him
- calls me/ emails me every night so i know that he didn't get beaten up/ punched/ mugged/ assaulted/ something thrown at him etc in the course of the past 24 hours

so ok fine, laugh at me, say i nag worse than his mother, but i'm worried as heck. i know he's only flying off when he ORDs in 2009, but i just really need to get this off my chest now. it's not that i'm not happy for him - I AM! - but i'm so worried that something might happen. i'm going to miss him so bloody much while he's gone...

God please protect Michael when he's away.

2007-05-03T04:01:00.000-07:00

kai is pleased to announce that she was 75% successful in her second attempt to make bread pudding! while it was certainly unfortunate that the top cooked too fast and was seared black beyond belief when she checked the oven at the 25th minute, the inside tastes really nice! so it's like michael's bread pudding minus the nice chewy top, but it will do!!

jasmine: haha congratulations. keep this up and you will be a domestic in no time.

a stamp of approval from the master herself!

kai is proud of herself X) X) X)

2007-05-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling sad. i'm just not getting all the theatre lobangs. and i'm the one who wants to do this full-time in future. sigh...

***

ok accounts is out of my hair, now all i have to do is submit the stacks to sheryl. i think it's a bit retarded that they won't be reimbursing GST, so i'm going to kick up a ruckus if they fail to convince the matron of the Youthempire finances to do otherwise. especially since me and sean and jasmine were the few who repeatedly picked up food tabs, and if you don't reimburse our GST that's a good 5 plus dollars or 10 plus dollars gone, even if you say it's only '5% what..'. i wouldn't have minded if everyone constantly picked up their own tabs, because then the non-GST reimbursement would extend to everyone, and not just a select few.

kai can't wait for evaluation meeting -evil grin-

***

i love baking with my sweetheart. on tuesday we churned out really yummy chocolate espresso walnut cookies, and we got rave reviews from everyone :) :) :) i like baking with people who actually need my help and enjoy my presence in the kitchen, rather than treat me like a nuisance and only allow me to fetch ingredients, then complain that i'm an utter louse in the kitchen. oh oh, it was really funny; we were preparing the batches of cookies to send to the oven, and as we were spooning the mixture onto the tray i gave a sigh and said, " My adorable little turds..." haha. well they did look quite cute when they were lying as soft black lumps on the tray! i think baking is a bit like raising the child, you like them most until they grow up/ get baked and expand haha. i confess that i like raw cookie dough a lot more than the cookie itself.

i like my morning sessions with pek ya. while i admit that i can't really see what lies ahead for me, or how my walk with God is going to change, i think i just need a bit of patience, listen a bit more and a bit harder, a lot more discipline (yes gosh i haven't been doing QT for so long, and i'm horribly guilty for it) and some practice. kudos to pek ya too. she's a hell lot smarter than she looks (i don't say this with any condescending sting!) and a tough nut. also very funny haha, we laugh at the same things. i still don't know why she singled me out to mentor me..never got to ask her. i guess some things are better left unsaid.

met up with princess yesterday for an impromptu lunch. i miss princess greatly and it was just so good to see her again. i guess i could do with a girly session of talk (just talk!minus the manicures and pedicures please!) and talk we did. after that princess pushed me into max brenner's for a walk-in interview. sigh... went home missing college life so much. nothing replaces my college days.

wee wee i'm going to faciliate a 2-day camp for 100 dollars haha. unfortunately the moola is only going to come in after michael's birthday. and HELP!!! it's 8 days to michael's birthday and i don't know what to get for him!!!! i've never ever been this unprepared!!!

2007-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

sorry bryy i'll do your tag thing soon ok?

***

i spent the entire day doing up accounts for the production. i have to admit that i miss beans and helmi, sean's goofy laugh...but that said i'm really really glad the production is over and done with. didn't really think twice about the post production barbeque, and the response was as active as a cactus plant, so i'll just call althea tomorrow and ask her to cancel it.

there's a bug going around people, so please eat your meals regularly, drink lots of water and chow down to some fruit when you feel peckish.

sunday had to be the day i had the weirdest most surreal wait for a bus. it wasn't awfully comfortable. here's when 'never the twain shall meet' should be used. some things shall just stay professional then.

***

i have to admit to myself that i owe my jobless state to my sub-conscious reluctance to sink back the dreariness and painful monotone of a desk/ data entry job. i'm going for an interview at some dempsey road restaurant with sherilyn on wednesday and while i welcome the burst of cash flow, i'm dreading the mental toll it takes. i am honestly scared shitless now and i really hope that my dislike for a desk job at this stage doesn't spell out my future as a *gasp* tai tai.

can you imagine Kai preening her hair and having 2 girls doing a manicure or pedicure for me?

and i also confess that i'm getting picky with my theatre jobs. if it's a more established theatre company doing a big show, i would gladly be one of their crew minions. however, i can't seem to apply the same attitude to smaller shows, and i wouldn't feel attracted to the job if it wasn't a stage managing job. it's very proud and very crazy and very foolhardy of me, and if anyone tags with an honest 'just who do you think you are?' i wouldn't be surprised. it's just... i know my professional debut wasn't exactly like Chris Eagles scoring for Manchester United against Everton last saturday, but i did feel like at least i could do SOMETHING well. not fantastically well, but enough to manage.

sigh i'm not making sense.

***

sad stuff aside, i'll try my best smile longer through this period. your problems aren't big Kai. i only have to look at my poor boyfriend, struggling to understand mechanic work when it's his girlfriend who knows more about cars than he does, waking up everyday knowing that he passed up the chance to OOC because he made the choice to stay where he is despite the torn muscle in his shoulder, and then coming home to a horrible girlfriend who only knows how to talk about herself. my problems are so not big.

2007-04-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

there was only ONE way i wanted last night to be.

over.

and yes it's over. helmi, jas and i were silently screaming and celebrating as the cast took their curtain call. while the 2nd night went slightly better than the 1st night, some pet peeves stayed:
1) our very useful, handbag-toting ushers who basically did nothing for crowd control
2) audience from hell, with no theatre etiquette or ability to be considerate whatsoever
3) annoying people who skank around with the 'crew' tag and who don't do anything except preen in front of the mirror, hit on jasmine, look important, and STILL end up not being able to enter the club (stupid noob...)
4) select ungrateful cast members

jas and i didn't stick around long to mingle after the show. Wine Bar is a horrible bar; there is so much more smoke in the air compared to Jazz@Southbridge, and the place is just so bloody crowded it's practically a club minus the dancing. while i was sad to leave beans, sabi, helmi, ros&jia and nat (thanks so much for coming down girls!), i honestly couldn't wait to get away from the likes of certain people who -i feel- have no cause to celebrate for what they DID NOT put in effort for. worse still to see people who were supposed to be onstage but weren't in the end. i find the red suspenders particularly revolting -pulls a face-

so the night fizzled out to an end with me, jas and sean waiting for out transport at Grand Copthorne's taxi stand. Sean, i don't think you'll ever read this, so here's a word for you until we next meet outside of work:

you are a wonderful, kind-hearted boy who deserves so much more than 3 horny potato sacks who think with their balls instead of their brains. i hope you'll never lose your sense of wonder, because there is still so much more in the world waiting for you. i shall put you under the list of people i want to see happy in this lifetime. i worry whenever you come into contact with questionable influences but i'll keep praying for you and hope that you will find your way through this messed up world. there aren't many people like you who will do the right thing, so it's been a real pleasure meeting you and working with you. God bless, take care.

sigh...sean's a really really nice boy.

oh michael's such an adorable dear. turns out that he bought the tickets for Seagull instead of King Lear, and he's beating himself for it. silly boy. michael darling, i love you still, with or without tickets, and the fact that you bought me something to cheer me up is more than what anyone else would do for me. i love you so much -muack-

***

dear all please go try Breko's desserts. they are the bomb.

***
i just watched the really exhilerating match between everton and man u. for a moment i thought we were going to lose, and i think i have flattened most of michael's cushions when i pounded on it in frustration, but the Devils pulled it off.

4 - 2

sweet man...

ok i have to tend to receipts now.

Kai, out.

2007-04-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

just 24 hours, and i have one less risk to my spiking blood pressure level.

and in the midst of all those garish lights, i was reminded that THIS is my professional debut.

oh happy day.

2007-04-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know of any organisation which is hiring part-time/ temporary staff? Kai is desperate and really really needs a job. on the list of things to pay:

1) Michael's birthday celebrations
2) Church camp

***

yay yay i spent an evening with my darling yesterday :) aside from the non-too-forgiving remarks passed as i walked out of the rehearsal room, i'm glad i made that decision, because nothing in this world could ever replace the smile on my darling's face. made rehearsal a lot more bearable henceafter, when i returned. even the car ride home with althea and co. wasn't so bad. kekeke, althea nearly got into an accident, which was actually quite funny.

and to top everything, Manchester United won with a last-gasp winner from Rooney over AC Milan!! wee! the 3-2 score leaves no margin of error for the next leg of the semi-finals (which are going to be tougher i think, seeing as to how they'll be playing in San Siro instead) but i think Man U are on a roll! a bit worried that they might be too exhausted to conjure up more magic for their EPL efforts, but all in good faith and time. am glad to see Rooney finally gaining back more limelight. yes i'm happy that Ronaldo and not Dirty Drogba won the PFA awards, and yes i think Carrick's really carving a niche for himself, but i remembered telling Michael how awfully sad i felt for Rooney during the 7-1 mauling of AS Roma, when Giggs crossed the ball and Patrice Evra got it instead of Rooney, who was hurtling down the left flank eagerly. what the whole world saw in the celebration of the goal was the Man U players jumping on each other to celebrate the goal, but i think most of them missed the flash of frustration and disappointment on Rooney's face as he swiped some perspiration of his nose.

well guys, this is coming from a girl who DOESN'T watch football to go orgasmic over the football players.

***

i feel very satisfied that i'm very on the ball with my claims. i'm very proud to say that with the production nearing to an end, i don't have receipts flying all over my room and i'm never in the position where i'm tearing out my hair wondering who is owed what. in fact, i stayed up yesterday when i got back (that was just before midnight) and tended to all the receipts that were given to me earlier, and even got started on drawing up individual claims for everyone. 'tis satisfying X)

***

oh yes people, Gloria Jean's Coffee is the bomb. the new GJ Voltage has more kick than the average Starbucks' Espresso Frappucino, AND for a slightly smaller cup (so that drinking a GJ frap doesn't make you more bloated than you already are after a meal) and a more evenly blended frappucino, it's at least 40cents cheaper. to max out your savings, look for me when you feel the GJ crave, because my Friends of SDT card (that's the only good thing that came out of that cursed organisation. That and Dan's classes) entitles you to a 10% :) :) :)

2007-04-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

i hate this useless feeling of not having a job. while i eagerly await the month of May, when i get the last of my pay from my Zhonghua desk job and -hopefully- when the claims from this production come in, i wouldn't feel so bad.

but the bottomline is, i need a freaking job.

as far as these past 2 weeks have been, i have been working for free at SDT. now, there's something about that company which i can't stand. valentia and i found ourselves staring at the dust of a really cramped and messy room one friday afternoon with instructions to neaten up the place. for her, she just came from school. for me, i just spent the whole day doing mailing orders in a claustrophic office with next to nothing for aircon. for us, we spent the next one hour or so swearing under our breaths and vowing to minimise our involvement with SDT from that moment onwards. i mean, honestly. i'm not blowing my trumpet, but the thing is, i actually volunteered to help them from their production side, and that's where they are starved and that's what they should be concentrating on improving. instead, i find myself doing data entry for -i suspect- not very sincere people and a haphazard absent-minded manager, and packing the tornado wreckage of the SDT props library.

people in the arts complain about the youth of today who fear risk-taking and failure and who don't dare to take the alternative path. well, there are people like me who did, and you relegate us to do your photocopying and paperwork. i know some people will dismiss me as arrogant and forgetting the good ol' virtues of hard work and slaving away to get to the top. but honestly, more data entry= more experience in running a different type of production? up yours, and all the way up.

so now, i really desperately need a job. not only to rescue the downward spiral of my miserable bank balance, but also to give a legitimate reason to slowly minimise my free labour to SDT.

***

i feel like a horrible girlfriend. all i've ever done this week was to complain about not finding a job and bitch about SDT, make michael upset, then argue with him in church on sunday, and you know what my darling does?

he goes out to the nearest Sistic counter and gets me Circle 1 seats for King Lear.

-collapses into a pile of guilty sobs and tears-

and YES. i need cash to fund his birthday celebrations!!

ok guys, ciao
-slinks away to the classified times-

[Edit: Michael's just finished his MOE Teaching Scholarship interview. everyone please pray for him.]

2007-04-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

i don't mean to scoff, and surely i -of all people- should know that i'm incapable of changing the world.

however, i just can't help but shrug my shoulders and feel a sense of helpless waste when i read the papers about Virginia Tech. don't get me wrong; it is extremely saddening to read about the tragic and brutally-enforced ends of people's lives everyday, but all the signs seem to point to a fundamental flaw in the average life of an American teenager and -duh uh- the damn gun laws.

i read about the bullying of the South Korean dude and the dilemmas of all the university professors who were vacillating over the decision to send the guy to counselling, and think about it, if that ONE person took the plunge and said 'Okay, i'm dragging you to the shrink, and you can bite my head off, but with my last breath i'm hauling you to at least the doorstep of his office'....

there wouldn't be no Virginia Tech massacre no more.

so after the blood is spilled and the lives are lost, you bring in all this big-shot professors who spend their lives analysing troubled and wayward individuals like the Cho dude, release some intellectual-sounding and shocking evaluation of the killer's psyche and then people around the world read the headlines. for bloody what, man? if you had gotten out of your cushy office to actually bring all your knowledge to the public for awareness, or even the university officials, won't you have made more of an impact?

***

to continue my rant on recent happenings, i feel like giving the finger to the guy who wrote back in reply to makoto's letter on the tissue-choping habit of singaporeans. in summary, mak wrote about how annoying it was to have the tissue-choping brigade out in full force during peak hours at hawker centres, and basically some dude wrote back in crappy defence of the tissue-choping brigade, saying how it's a "singaporean culture" and we should embrace it, not condemn it.

UP YOURS. ALL THE WAY UP.

as a singaporean, i think its an extremely inconsiderate and purely STUPID habit, and i sure as HELL wouldn't want to be associated with something so "singaporean". if there ever came a day when being "singaporean" was synonymous with being "inane, having inconceivably ridiculous habits, and being completely nonchalant about the fact that people like me lean on MRT poles, pretend to sleep when pregnant women are in the train/bus, and chope tables with tissue packets", then i'll gladly revoke my citizenship and slink off to sunny Aussie. gosh, i can't believe the guy actually managed to write a letter with such a porous school of thought. it was purely infuriating reading articles of utter pure shit like his. goodness me.

***

God, i pray that You will help me last this week all the way until the end of my production. i do not want to party, and i do not want to mingle with important people and look like i'm enjoying myself. i just want to trust this production in Your hands, and rely on Your strength to deal with this last hurdle and my disappointed boyfriend. please God, i can't do this on my own.

God i pray that SDT doesn't make me do menial labour again when i report for work.

God i'm so sorry that i don't listen. i need Your help. every bit of it. i really need You, God.

2007-04-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

everything that i have built for myself has now come to nothing.

now i just want to run and hide from everybody.

and i really mean everybody.

i was wrong.

2007-04-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

i took 52 to get back from michael's house last night. most 52's are nice buses and always have seats for me. this one was no exception. until i looked hard at the advertisment proudly emblazoned on the bus.

"JOBSTREET.COM GET JOBS QUICKLY!"

why the average suicide bomber fares better than Kai and her current predicament

2007-04-12T00:14:00.000-07:00

my desperation to find a job is driving me utterly insane. where i once was shrewed, moderately calculating, yet willing to learn, the old Kai is now replaced by a bumbling, over-enthusiastic, irrational mess of a headless chicken.

i just called a management company to request for them to shred an agreement which i signed two minutes ago. yes i know, not the smartest thing. here, let me make it easier for you and provide you with rotten eggs to hurl at me.

someone shoot me.

God i never felt so dumb in my entire life. i realy deserved to be laughed at this time.

so, what actually happened:
- i saw an ad for TCC and signed up, got an interview, went down to meet the people blah blah
- i signed the agreement after reading it
- i sat down in clarke quay starbucks and contemplated very hard
- i called damien, got a huge thrashing about common sense
- i called vernie who asked me to get back on my ass to look for another job
- i sit in starbucks feeling like fool

i swear i thought TCC stood for The Coffee Conoisseur (don't question my spelling now because i'll just bite your freaking head off) and of course it did but when i actually got to the building it said "TCC hospitality management whatever nonsense i couldn't be bothered to remember" so that already got alarm bells ringing in my head. i smiled and 'mmm..yes' -ed my way through the whole process but as i was walking down the stairs, i thought deep and hard:
1) the place ain't a freaking a donald trump organisation
2) they want me to fork out
- $10 for their butt ugly t shirt
- $12 for their damn ugly skirt
- $20 for super ugly court shoes
- $25.20 for a typhoid vaccination
3) they want me to bun my hair and wear stockings
4) they want me to put BLOODY MAKE UP
5) THEY WANT ME TO PUT BLOODY MAKE UP!!!!

by the time Kai finally used her rusty, paralysed-by-pseudo-professionalism brain, i had already walked to starbucks. imagine me sitting in utter farce in the cafe as i called the people back and asked them, in my exact words, to "please shred my document. yes thank you...no, like shred it, really shred it. shred it now" because "i was just offered an internship in an organisation which is where i want to pursue my interest"

---

yesterday i was lamenting to damien that i'm really starving myself because of my art. fyi peeps, i went for an interview to be a music consultant, but turned down the job because the guy kept pushing me to work on saturdays and sundays(2pm to 8pm) and seemed most keen to make me work for as much as he could for the hours i said i could make. he even asked me to "give up fellowship with your church friends" so that he could "teach me the way of sales". i drew the line there. the guy's gotta be out of this bloody mind.

i was worried that mum would really butcher me for giving up this job in favour of jobs which i probably won't get/ will get and work for without being paid at all but seriously. in all honestly, and because i know it myself, i am turning down a lot of things to volunteer for SDT's up and coming show, Impressions, and keeping my schedule open for Upstage's new production. along the way, either organisation is going to use me and abuse, not pay me anything, yet still expect me to give my full. and somehow i know that i WILL give my full, albeit with a bit of bitching here and there, but treasure the experience greatly because i know it's value-added and these experiences are relevant to my future.

even suicide bombers are promised 7 virgins in heaven before they pull the trigger.

this casts heavy heavy heavy storm clouds and lightning on my future. even for now i am already struggling to get a theatre job/stage management job... i honestly don't want to think about my post-studying life, when i'm begging theatre company after theatre company to handle a production. as it is i hardly know when productions are coming up because they don't bloody bother to update their websites, so i always have to rely on the occassional sms to actually know that a show is going on.

perhaps all i need to do is sto stop feeling proud, stop being proud, and get a desk job because the money flows, the schedule's a bit inflexible but the cash is there and assured. just a few more Xcel sheets, a few more documents to type, and the day is over.

i'm thinking very hard now.

i don't want that.

2007-04-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

booya people.

the grades were fine, nothing to rave about, A1 ABB U but i honestly can't give a shit because
1) i'm satisfied
2) i actually did better than jie in something (B3)
3) God still loves this unintellectual fool

the boyfriend is wonderful. michael's been a bit down with NS and mechanic life, but he's still a wonderful dear. we boardgame like mad when we can and we just broke our Lent coffee fast!! coffee never tasted so darn good -drools at the memory-

i'm fitting in fine in church. while i still worry about stupid things like what to wear to church and such, i know i always have God to come back to, and every Sunday is just one of the many testimonies of His love for me because of His provision of a wonderful fellowship of friends. it's kinda funny that i'm the only girl in my youth group haha, because i crashed michael's YG and so i joined by default.

the family and the parentals go up and down the drain from time to time. right now, it's down the drain (think sine graph haha...cool i ain't a math student but i actually remember) because mum is bugging me to find a job fast. this is my 3rd official day of joblessness since i started work when 2007 struck, but no, it's worrying because just 48 hours of relaxation means that i am spelling out my future as a complete bum to her. sometimes, my mum is just out of this world.

people, go watch black adder. it's really funny. michael and i laughed so hard we nearly fell off the sofa watching it. and rowan atkinson's gotta be one of the funniest guys in the world. i can understand if some people find mr bean passe or cheesy and cliched, but black adder is intellectual humour. it's not the kind of american pie fart-joke type. the language is a literary masterpiece of its own. watch it people, you won't regret.

i'm helping out for the youth camp for church. wish me luck.

i'm writing a lot of nonsense now because i haven't written in a long long time. so bear with me while i find my writing roots.

Kai's back

2006-10-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

-pushes aside the cobwebs of my space-

ok ok so i've been a tad lazy for not visiting my blog...well seeing as to how no one reads it except me there really isn't a need to bore a non-existent audience with the happenings of my boring boring life innit?

am currently on the Perfect In Black catalogue looking for dresses -rolls eyes- i hate the business of prom preparation. am trying to tailor my dress but mum threw out minru's recommended tailor cuz she thought it was too expensive. sorry min, but thanks so much for the tip. gah..tt means i have to actually drag myself out to a -cringe- shopping centre or whatnot to look for a dress. and chances are everything's not going to fit cuz i'm so fucking short...grr..

that means any hopes of getting a replica-tailored effort of tt gorgeous cavalli dress i saw on tim's blog is going to go up in smoke -sheds a tear- gosh.. and all the dresses i'm looking at now either look whorish or boring and black...

i hate being a girl sometimes.

am not going to rave about prelim grades because there ain't a thing to rave about. while everyone's probably going 'ah shit i missed an A by 2 marks for all my subjects' i'm like 'oh gosh..i cleared a B by a few marks wow'...sigh sigh depressing depressing...ya and to top it off i know i should be studying right now but i'm talking to denys haha. i've been a bum ever since my sick spell ended.

ok back to more net window shopping. gosh i hate this shit..

2006-08-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

dropping by my private and obscure net space once again. i'm going to avoid talking about what's not new (my studying's going no way, i'm not exercising....) and try to be happy haha.

i've got a new hair cut!! Wee! ok so maybe i might need to see a trichologist (is tt how u spell it?) soon because i swear i've lost enough hair to make a stark path at the back of my head, but i love my new haircut! its spunky and sharp and really goes well with glasses. i'm back to the days where i step out of the shower and don't have to comb my hair haha. got complimented by a nice ang moh dude while waiting for my coffee at starbucks with jie. he said the hair went well with the glasses and my funky red disc earrings (thank you michael X) ), much to jie's chagrin. ha, one up on you jie. but it's ok, clement will love you no matter what you wear or not wear ;P

and in world news, i'm actually going for prom. i told mum and dad and they nearly went as green as the vegetables we were having for dinner, but i got my way round it because to be fair, i reassured them that i'll foot the 95 bucks for the prom ticket myself. miraculously they stopped chewing, then nodded and calmly asked me where prom would be. so i'm saving up now, which means less coffee, no headphones for another few months or so, and the hassle of having to think about what to wear. i'm about 65% confirmed about a suit and a jaw-dropping top, but i guess i won't rule out a dress at this stage. if my hair grows out i might go for a little cut and then do the styling myself. AND THEN i have to give a damn about the bloody makeup...have half a mind to just get andrea to doll me up ('i want to look smoky. andrea, work the magic!') because if left to my own devices, i swear i'll just go down with some blusher on. no contacts for me, so i'll work my outfit around my glasses. if all else fails, i'm going down in a cheong sum haha.

i'm dying with the eczema in the crook of my elbow. argh...begone foul rash!!

2006-08-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

I guess that's why we're human. It's an insatiable human greed, to always want more...and feel like crap when we don't get what we want. I think what sucks more is to realise that sometimes, everything-and I mean EVERYTHING- does carry its little measurement of algorithms and calculus. And I hate believing in that but it's true, quite sadly.

bah... I hate these 24-hour sad phases. It will pass, and I know it will pass, but when it hits it stings like shit. Call me petty, overly-sensitive, ungrateful...i don't care. Maybe you're right, but everyone finds themselves in need once in a while.

looking back, I've never been a very demanding child. even now, my siblings balk at having to clear up leftover food, something which I do without any fuss because... well it's just leftover food. My hopes of picking up new skills have been trashed and screamed down, but I shelve them one side and... just do what's necessary. Things get crappy once in a while with disagreements, but life goes on. I don't get emotionally paralysed and/or drained, I just continue surviving on what I can.

bottomline is: I'm really the least demanding child out of the three of us. I don't sulk and criticise the food on the table without any guilt, I don't complain about always having to update my wardrobe once every 3 or 4 months, and when I'm given stuff the first thing I say is 'wee! Thanks mum/dad/jie!' and not 'the colour sucks.' Or 'I don't like that!' I don't ask for a lot. But when I do ask for something, it involves the effort of single-handedly extracting a giant carrot from the soil with only 10cm of leaf to grasp.

Pardon the weird analogy. I try to find humour in whatever I do.

So it hurts quite a bit when small things come back to remind you that not being demanding sometimes results in being overlooked.

Like dad willingly upgrading jie's phone and plan to something miles better than what I had to browbeat my parents for.

Zhihao's new glasses, made without him having to spoil his previous pair (they are more expensive than the one I was allowed to choose).

Buying a guitar for what was supposed to be a development of zhihao's guitar skills and then easily buying a drum set because he decided that he liked drumming (who plays the guitar the most often now? Me. And who got into huge arguments over wanting to learn the guitar HERSELF? Me.)

Getting scolded for trying out pop arrangement on the piano when I was still taking lessons, and then having to endure another round of shellings when I picked up the guitar because my parents thought I would forget my note-reading skills (who plays the piano the most frequently now? Me. But no that doesn't really count either, because it's not SSO-requirement of stiff and suffocating Beethoven or Chopin.)

My parents jumping at every little thing I do, every slight disagreement with them, while my brother gets away for just being shit rude to them. How rude, you ask. Well, my brother finds it such a chore to speak to anyone, much less speak coherently, that each time we ask him a question twice because he doesn't reply the firs time, my brother gets worked up and snaps at us. You know what really sucked? When my dad said to him, 'I don't know what's wrong with you. Communicating is such a chore for you. I don't know, maybe it's because we neglected you.' yeah right.

And a lot of small things that are just going to give me more grief if I painstakingly try to remember.

But never mind, as usual, I'm going to be bitter about it for the rest of the day, and then by tomorrow it will be all gone as usual. While it sometimes irks me that at the end of the day nothing is ever really solved, I'm proud of the fact that I'm able to let things ride. I'll save up for the stuff that I want, slowly wean myself off the desire for the things I can't get, and make do with what I already have.

Above all, I'm going to take all this in my stride and build my path with God. Maybe in this aspect, I can actually be less demanding and take huge comfort in the fact that I'm loved by Him, provided for by Him and the people He has brought into my life, and I can always look forward to tomorrow to reap more laughs, experience more tears and still get through everything alive. With Him guiding me each step of the way.

2006-08-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

yesterday's studying plan was
1) successful for michael
2) moderate for me
3) disastrous for princess

i think the realisation of how long it takes to travel from the north to the east and experience of it killed princess because right after lunch (thanks for the meal jie!) she read M Butt for all of 30 minutes and fell dead asleep on my living room couch. so at 5 we decided to cave and had a laugh watching High School Musical where we spoofed everything possible.

love you guys!! -group hug-

this appeared some time ago on saif's blog. must say i really miss working with that guy. kai loves you beaver!

the tasks:
comment on this post (haha i dropped a beaver comment again) and..
o1. I'll respond with something random about you.
o2. I'll challenge you to try something.
o3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
o4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
o5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
o6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
o7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
o8. You must post this on yours.

so saif gave me this:
1.FIESTY!
2.Get a distinction for Lit S!
3.Colourful! Just like your shoes..
4.Your generosity =)
5.In LT AVA,the malay girl who had a strong presence sitting beside me.. Or so i thought.. haha..
6. WHAT ELSE?! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE!!
7.Do you really know how to dance? Haha

truth is, saif, i can't really dance haha. you beat me hands down any day. take care!

ok another day to mug.

2006-08-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

i swear, sometimes i know i should rein in and not be such a wild child, but gosh i'm not the kind who is going to coop herself in a study and read myself to death. i'm already quite resigned to the fact that AAA+D is nothing but a PIPE DREAM (yes lofty, i'm putting iceman to good use) so i'll just aim for an improvement of maybe BCC or BBC for prelims and AAB for A's. i'm NOT smart, NOT academically inclined and NOT going to hold a stable job in the future anyway (c'mon mum, who the hell am i kidding when i say i will be able to support myself for the first year of my theatre career) so i'm not going to join the rat race and pursue something i will never get.

that said, i'm seriously not in the mood to start any major argument nowadays. so when dad snidely put me down with a lecture so porous with loopholes it could absorb more crap than a sponge, i quit and gave up a movie so tt i could go back to be a nice good daughter. to my sweetheart and princess: sorry i was such a spoiler. thanks always for understanding -hug-

i'm almost freaking 18, and i have to call to get permission to watch a movie.

anyway, i took a nice walk to the durian and snagged a new Rattigan play to get some catharsis. Terrence Rattigan writes pretty cool stuff. english upper class, between 1910s and 1940s. a lot of plays about people of influence falling from grace and climbing back up again. heartwarming and inspiring.

today in the 24 pau asked me about marrying michael. haha..ok since most of the gushing has been done on michael's blog, i shall come clean and say: yes michael and i are working towards marriage. yes, i want to marry michael and yes i think most of the guest list will be made up from peeps frm college. on my long walk back to the mrt station i decided that i didn't want a long wedding gown. -pulls a face- like i need another reminder of my lack of height. thinking asymetrical actually.

wee! michael and vernie are coming over tomorrow to study! ok we're going to clock productive hours of revision, then we'll go brain rot and watch High School Musical muahaha.

2006-08-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

" i want to marry you linda...i want to settle down, i want to start a family with you. i want the kids to have your eyes, your lips, and i want them to have my.........last name. that's all i want them to have."
-Adam Sandler as Dave in Anger Management

i'm a huge sucker for romantic comedies -sighs happily- a few laughs, we all get love in the end. funny how i never used to believe it. oh well.

on more random musings, technology is the deux ex machina of High School Musical. i think one day if i get bored of studying i'll hunker down and type out a full literary analysis of High School Musical, complete with literary techniques.

guys attach names to the funniest things. like their hair. i once curiously watched my brother staring very hard in the mirror, and duh i was curious because my brother usually doesn't give a rat's ass about his appearance.

Kai: what are you doing?

Pause

Zhihao: [thoughtfully] my chiku is growing.

that said, michael seems quite amused by the 'toothbrush' description the kids at ngee ann primary gave to him.

argh...begone itch!! the skin on my neck and the crook of my elbow are now red and splotchy due to my scratching. grr...can't stand the weather....

2006-08-01T02:43:00.000-07:00

i think the problem with beloved is that i'm actually quite cynical about the excessive suspension of disbelief involved in the novel. that's why i'm not as emotionally attached to because the technique is practically forced on us! plus the whole switch time frames thing....gah...

if any sad soul out there needs some comfort because you've revised one text/done 25 essays and you're still stressed about not being able to catch up with the general student population of vj, please, Kai is always here to make you feel good about yourself.

and now, i'll make everyone feel good about themselves.

isn't it amazing how the prettiest lady in the world can resemble the butt-ugliest fuck out of this world?

someone call NASA man. we are in danger of a.....

MARS ATTACK!!!

the crown doesn't help either.

2006-07-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

it's one thing to be scolded for using fuck at home, but another to be scolded in public for using fuck. completely screwed up my evening and night yesterday. i'm never going to bring michael near my parents if i can help it.

never mind. i'm not going to let this affect my enjoyment of other things.

2006-07-28T02:45:00.000-07:00

Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
While we all sup sorrow with the poor
There's a song that will linger forever in our ears
Oh, hard times come again no more

'Tis a song, a sigh of the weary
Hard times, hard times come again no more
Many days you have lingered around my cabin door
Oh, hard times come again no more

While we seek mirth and beauty and music light and gay
There are frail ones fainting at the door
Though their voices are silent, their pleading looks will say
Oh, hard times come again no more

'Tis a song, a sigh of the weary
Hard times, hard times come again no more
Many days you have lingered around my cabin door
Oh, hard times come again no more

'Tis a sigh that is wafted across the troubled wave
'Tis a wail that is heard upon the shore
'Tis a dirge that is murmured around the lowly grave
Oh, hard times come again no more

'Tis a song, a sigh of the weary
Hard times, hard times come again no more
Many days you have lingered around my cabin door
Oh, hard times come again no more
Oh, hard times come again no more

***

ah well, after a long and weary two weeks, i'm kinda glad my life's getting back into order. listening to this song along the way back from school one day, thinking back to a time where i once stood at the highest level of the national library and released balloons into the night sky... everything feels like its coming back to normal now. albeit with all the studying and whatnot.

never mind that. you've got balls kai, so work hard and prove your worth.

i gotta say i haven't laughed so much over the course of one week ever since my fortunes took a dip. random highlights of my recent days:

-handed in a chaucer essay
-managed to nab harris down for a chat on my lit S path and was encouraged by his 'Good! good!' exclamation of me reading 3 pinter plays. i don't care if it's insignificant to others but i'm happy that harris appreciates my effort
-met damien for a chat on absurdism and yielded strange scandulous facts of jie and clement and what they do when no one is looking muahahaha....
-thinking of ways to overcome evil bo chap perverted photographs who have a morbid fascination of VJ school skirts. seriously man, that perv is quite stupid. he really doesn't stand a chance against a whole school of furious and vicious college girls who have been slandered by a dickhead of public.
-biting jie's shoulder and making her scream.
-correcting makoto's posture!! yes yes i shall claim the role of Senior Posture Therapist of one Makoto Kawaguchi and i must say, boy with a much straighter back Mak sure looks hell lotta different =) of course, we gotta work harder mak, but i must say you're getting there. people please lend your support to the straightening of makoto's back!! -waves banners enthusiastically-
-laughing about tim's and makoto's antics which have got the whole PE dept either pissed off with them or running shit scared of them

so it was with quite high spirits which i left harris' PC lesson ('what?! you have to REHEARSE sitting down and standing up?!!') and laughed at poor year ones having to endure the disgustingly pretentious clapping rehearsal as i sauntered out of the school with my darling and princess. pit stop at parkway to get mr young's gift (beaver! it was a good bargain!) and bought strawberry flavoured honey stars wee! we were a bit adventurous today so we cabbed down to thai noodle house to finally get princess acquainted with the west. good conversation aside, the food was fantastic as usual, company was excellent, and thai noodle house got the royal stamp of approval. for second dessert (yes i'm improving! i'm having SECOND dessert) we walked to island creamery, then headed off to our respective appointments. nice day sweeties! more food! =)

eating can really make you happy ;)

when i got back and found huge slippers at the door, i knew clement was here :P bummed around and got a fortuituous surprise when i found out that i actually DID record high school musical!! but for some reason it can't be read on the com or on another dvd player :S weird...but i ended up watching the finale 3 times haha. talked to clement for a while before i scooted upstairs. after a while,it happened.

i know i was telling clement about jie's wonky bed that used to give way for a period of time. so it was just hilarious when i heard the same metal poles 'KNG!' their way to the floor. but when i went down, it wasn't just one side that gave way, TWO sides did. so jie's bed was kinda just sloping down from the pillows onwards. it was so bloody funny i laughed myself sick. the big question is: what were they doing that broke the bed? :P

2006-07-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

Beaver likes my new glasses!! thank you beaver! am glad to see him grow stronger with every setback he faces. it's really quite inspiring. my huge-teethed friend, we'll kick each other's asses all the way to the end =) turtle power!

by the way, i forget to thank Nameless Nice Lady on 855 from yesterday. i was carrying this huge photocopying box full of my stuff from my cubby hole because i figured i better clear out what i had left before things start to go missing again. and since i was collecting my glasses myself i decided to be nice and do mum a favour and buy eggs for her upon her request. miracle saw me running for (and missing) the first 163 that came with the eggs in my box and all of them remained intact wee! so i got on the bus and Nice Lady actually offered to carry my box for me because i was standing up and tottering abt unsteadily around. so sweet right?! you'll never get singaporeans like that i swear. thanks again!

met up with michael after his SMU talk to walk around and get stuff. it's just as lovely when we walk around doing day to day stuff, not really saying alot and just enjoying each other's company as we pick out stationery (michael and his rings haha) and hunt for books. got meself a copy of king lear and made some bad jokes about sloman before we settled down to starbucks to read. sometimes not really reading and just observing one another when we think he or she can't see, smiling inwardly, then realising that the other person saw...

quiet love =)

then daddy and i went for dinner with michael. i was quite anxious even though i was the one who asked dad whether i could bring him along, but i guess it worked out, because dad likes to talk and michael is fantastic at listening. we chowed down to the jap food before heading off for dessert at our usual chinatown haunt. michael's going to go guitar hunting with daddy soon i hope =) and dad seems to like michael, so i'm feeling comforted and happy.

you know i've spent so long trying to get support for what i do and never really getting it, but now that i have, it's a great feeling. i mean blah about mum she has always been the more difficult one to win over but dad seems pretty ok with it so i'm cool and i'm not complaining.

stepy by step kai

2006-07-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to see the rainbow at the end of the storm that is the past two weeks, and i'm glad that there are people to do so with me =) thank you all for kind words and concern, and to the people who matter, love. =)

i found my water bottle =) yayness!

celebrated yisha's birthday =)

made princess happy (and cut off circulation to her head) by buying her a brown hairband. i chose it la, not michael.

went for tea with dearest michael on a renewed and refreshed note. these two weeks have been hell for me but probably more for him. i know it's very stupid to say this but i think i truly understand now what it means to love someone until every instance of hurt and sorrow is felt acutely (sometimes even more) by the patient lover as it is for the loved one. sweetie i've been a selfish prat for too long now =( i'll change =) -hug-

so it's not like the day went all fine and dandy. i was being my usual nice self when i agreed to get yish and the Small and Evil One from the bus stop because it was raining. used the umbrellas that were my props for public p and endured many weird stares on the way to the bus stop. ah well. suddenly my feet were in the air and i was sliding down the steps on my ass, unceremoniously wetting my skirt and managing to look bewildered, frustrated and amused at the same time. of course, kai being kai, the first word out of my mouth when my ass contacted the ground was 'F***' (the volume of my exclamation? you decide). one umbrella remained on a step 5 freaking steps above me and another one got stuck in the banister. and there were 6 vj people coming up the bridge at that point of time. such a comic one-woman tableaux would have made lofty proud.

-hurriedly looks for a hole to bury myself in-

but they were really nice, stopped to ask whether i was ok. Guy on Bike, i keep unconsciously bumping into you haha. but thanks for stopping to see if i was hurt. oh well, if you guys were entertained by flab earthquak-ing down five steps and language out of this world, err... glad i was amusing to watch. but thanks again. picked the two from the bus stop and spent my return trip back laughing so hard my ass hurt. it still does. it's got a mother ugly bruise on the side and it hurts when i sit down too fast. at least my spine's intact.

so now as the pieces of my life start coming together after an upheaval, i'd better buck up with more pressing issues. such as grades. full steam ahead kai!

2006-07-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

so if this is going to sound boring and angsty and unbearable, click on my links and read someone else's blog. because just when i think things can't get any worse, my life proves otherwise.

apart from shit grades (which i feel the most acutely this time), a hanging handphone, and noodle gravy spilled all over my uniform today, i managed to successfully piss off my boyfriend and my parents and embarrass clement today at dinner just now. as usual mum and dad didn't take to my results well and blamed it on (who else) me for not trying hard enough. even when the first thing i said was 'yes i screwed up. i'm sorry. i'll try harder.'

and i know i've been a really moody bitch to the people around me, and i'm sorry if it's been difficult to keep up with me. i AM taking a longer time to get over this, and in between i'm going to be snarly, silent, and unengaging. I'M SORRY for that too, and i really won't mind if you just decide that you can't do anything but leave me alone. i'm not going to blame you for it, and i won't doubt for a moment that all of you care.

in happier news, i'm getting new specs on friday.

in the best news, my boyfriend still loves me for some strange reason.

2006-07-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

what a week..woah.

ok, i've got my fair share of downs. grandma's death, long nights spent burning incense and getting, say 4 to 5 hours of sleep....i'm grateful for everyone who dropped by in person, sms or phonecall and i found it very touching. thank you. especially to my boyfriend and my royal highness, the little box of love i found in my locker was extremely touching. i love you guys =) -huddles over for a group hug-

then of course, aside from the grandma's passing, another pile of shit landed on me in the form of sayers' one-mark essay. i'm still quite miffed that he failed me so cold-bloodedly (one mark is NOT what you give to someone who bothered to study for and pratise your subject) and still thought it was pretty funny that my essay 'was so easy to mark'. in case you guys are wondering, i ripped my essays into 4 and chucked them into the bin. if i just can't get the hang of the subject, i'm taking a leaf out of darrel's book and screwing the theme of third world issues for the a's. and if sayers makes another snide remark about my grades, i'm not going to bother about the fact that he thinks it's completely harmless, because i'm walking out of that class. i'll say it, and mark my words, i'll do it.

***

it seems like this week is about closing chapters. in an uncanny parallel, dad was just musing "so...i've lost my mummy" in a thoughtful kind of way as we were in the car, en route to college, for my last day of performance. for these past seven days, i had always felt an overarching finality when i began or ended the day. ah well....

saturday was a blast. was dying in the heat of a jacket and for once, my feet actually hurt like shit in my killer heels. but i had fun running around watching people's performances and getting to meet my favourite seniors again. oh gosh, liting and rau i miss you so much!! we must arrange a talk cock session soon! was very glad to catch tash's piece and it was bloody brilliant. tash i'm very impressed by your piece because everything about it was ingenius...right down to the sound and use of lights and shadow. way to go girl!

then of course, there was group. Just Because had to ditch our matinee because deedz came down with a hospital-serious condition and princess took over her role. nevertheless the show went on and i'm glad we didn't look back when we made the decision to perform. three cheers for princess who memorised the lines so quickly and efficiently! darrel, deedz, gen, sam, audrey and nicola: we made the last lap together. thank you guys =)

yesterday was simply...euphoria. i didn't cry as much as i thought i would..i think it's a result of crying away all my tears over the course of the week, but i think i wanted to close one chapter on a high note after all the sadness of the week, and i did. i was so nervous about screwing up my piece at the final hurdle, but save for missing one shot and grazing saiful's cheek (i'm so sorry), that was one of the runs i really liked. it ended too fast.

dearest lofty, mrs low, albert and dax, you guys worked tirelessly for our batch, and after the uphill task of refining our theatre, the night was as much as ours as it was yours. without your patience, care, lecturing and pushing, we would never be where we are today. tsd will miss you guys terribly when you're gone, because you have such big shoes to fill. we love you!

crew, the stage is yours now. time to fly! =)

saiful, thanks for always being there from start to finish of my creative process. you've been great help and support, an efficient working partner and a great friend, and i'll always treasure the times we were mucking around at the spiral staircase, creating marks on the walls and laughing at each other's mistakes, and sometimes just talking and listening to one another...though ya you listened more haha. you're the man!
nigel, my sifu! knowing that you were in the audience was pressurising but exhilerating at the same time. i'm glad i did you proud and am so grateful to you. you've inspired me loads in movement, and will always do. going to miss seeing you traipse into slot with your baggy shirts and funny caps. please keep in touch!

ros and jialing, thank you for coming down!! it means so much to me and i'm really happy for your support. the flowers are pretty thank you very much =) sitting proudly at my dining table.

smife, haha you are so funny! i hope you're feeling happier nowadays, and am glad you finally got to meet princess. oh gosh you guys are like photocopies haha. see you soon k?

bert, in my own special way, thanks ;) you know you matter to me.

and most importantly, mum and dad. i know it's been an exhausting week for the both of you, and you'll probably not read this ever, but i'm just glad you guys came down, and i was so relieved to see you smiling mum, because i can finally show you guys.

THIS IS WHAT I DO IN THEATRE.

the night ended with 3 sets of parents, and the funny triumvirate of boyfriend, me and princess, all dressed in spiffy black and chowing down to bak chor mee. so i've finally met the parents, michael has finally met the parents, and my long kept secret is finally out in the open. (much love to andrea, who was so happy for me haha). i ended the night blissful.

-smiles-

2006-07-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

when i thought i could make a difference, it was too late.

so it's back to my black and white affair with death, some nights of burning joss sticks, inhaling incense and trying not to cough, all culminating in a cry-fest on friday's cremation.

it's scaring me how i sound so....clinical now? i mean yes, i'm sad, and everything was so sudden, but i feel so wrong for not being able to react as strongly as the others around me are reacting.

goodbye grandma.

2006-07-09T04:37:00.000-07:00

i've finally reined in my diet today, starting off with a comfortable teriyaki chicken sub, a warm teh-o, a cup of iced milk tea, and finally a bowl of fish soup for dinner.

met the famous/infamous bryan saw today. gosh, he's got eyelashes longer than me, and his hair feels like a toothbrush too. i swear he's crazier than gabriel, but he's such a lovable asshole. nice meeting you bry! =) now i know what kind of people michael hangs out with to allow his idosyncrasies to thrive haha.

i seriously enjoy doing research on S level material more than A level material. i swear i HATE 'beloved' because there's only so much you can write about (hmm come to think of it i had the same problem as sec 4's singing grass...) and it doesn't help that cindy low's tutorials and lectures are nothing but REPETITIVE. wycherley seems to be the only text that really stands out (hughes doesn't count. hughes is just out of this world, and in a very bad way) because it's bawdy, full of sex and funny. vernie and i were dying on friday's lecture because she was so boring and not only that, she completely forgot about the time and started droning on even though it was 10 minutes past the end of the lecture. so princess and i engaged in some discussion of the text and she pointedly told us that it was "annoying". bugger.

and before i forget,

TSD Public Performance, 15 and 16 July, Saturday and Sunday!

Various venues used, starts at 7pm, ends at 9-ish

Tickets priced at 8 bucks for one night and 12 bucks for two. different performances each night!

oh gosh i'm so nervous man. i really hope i won't screw up my swan song as a stage fighting performer, but something tells me i will. nothing sucks more than performing a comedy and having NO ONE LAUGH! so please, i know i'm very shameless and i know i don't deserve it, but if anyone thinking of watching my piece sees this, just laugh very loudly at bits which look the slightest bit funny ok? thank you thank you! i don't care if you're laughing at me or with me just laugh! it's nothing like pirates of the caribbean but i had a lot of fun working on my baby and my blood sweat and some tears literally went into the process so i hope you guys will enjoy it k? and if you can't hear any of the words that either saiful or i am saying, ask me afterwards and i will explain them to you again. i apologise for my sucky voice projection in advance but i'll do my best to make myself audible. thank you thank you again!

i can't believe it. so this is the end...i'm going to be so sad when this is done.

2006-07-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

i just came back from TTSH after visiting grandma. thought i would have an averse reaction to the place where i first encountered death in the form of paternal granddaddy's passing, but it was ok i guess. i think irritating singaporeans on the train and noisy road works provoked more reaction out of me.

yeah, so grandma is really weak now. i think i remembered that before maternal grandpops left, i blogged about how i followed him home after he was discharged from alexandra and watched as he made an arduous and exhausting journey from the car park to the lift, which was about 150m apart. the same thing more or less repeated itself today as i watched grandma struggle to get from a sitting position on the wheelchair to a half-leaning position on the bed, and finally from a half-leaning position to a lying-down position. but that alone took the mickey out of her so much that we had to slowly readjust the level of incline of the hospital bed a few times before she could find the optimum position of rest and comfortable breathing. she was still wheezing quite badly when daddy and i left =S on the walk back to the mrt station dad was giving me this mini lecture on the importance of immediate family but i tuned in and out once in awhile and kept up the pretence of listening.

ok. so maybe i'm not big on the whole immediate family thing because... well, mum and dad never really did make it an effort interact with them anyway. i meet the relatives on my mother's side three or four times a year for those big family gatherings where we keep up obligatory singaporean talk (about grades and whatnots...i swear it's bloody sad) and joke about seeing each other next year. currently i meet my dad's side during chinese new year only. which results me in being not very close to my cousins, something which i'm pretty accustomed to. and then there's the problem of the 'in-laws', where dad gets along fine with my mum's siblings but not so much for the other way round. and frankly speaking, i don't blame mum either. my paternal uncles and aunties have made snide comments about mum's way of bringing us up, something which zhi hao and i don't really appreciate. so folks, that's the scraping the surface of my dark dark family history muahaha...

aside from that, i found myself making up mind to take time off to visit grandma at least once a week when my schedule permits. mum's going to make noise about it because of time and the fact that she doesn't exactly like the in-laws side much but i think i'll just stick it out. to be frank, i'd really want to visit maternal grammy too, since she was the one who brought me up together with dearest imelda, but grammy stays in tanglin halt and that's quite far...so if i can't visit i REALLY REALLY should start calling her once a week too.

i'm actually quite a Confucian-family-values junky eh?

ah well...

thank you for all the support sweetie :)

2006-07-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

in world news, PRINCESS HAS CUT HER HAIR. SHE WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT IF PEOPLE STOP ASKING ABOUT HER HAIR BECAUSE YES, SHE CUT IT AND NO, IT DID NOT GROW LONGER. princess' hair cut is not bad, and it's made me want to get a hair cut more now!! bleagh, gotta wait until after public pee. eczema on my neck is a real bitch in hot weather.

speaking of public pee, folks, get ready for an outrageous ticket. may involve nudity, but even without the nudity, the image of four weirdly-dressed characters all trying to aim into the same urinal is outrageous enough to cause
a) mrs chan's eyeballs to pop out of their sockets and expel the people involved in the shoot
b) people to laugh until they pee in their pants
c) the school to continue thinking that we are a bunch of weird freaks.

well i can't blame them actually. today's photoshoot was bloody funny. trust tim soh to come up with such a in-your-face concept. hint: literal interpretation of public pee.

moving on, my weight has miraculously been maintained at 44kg!! whoopee!!! and with all that eating worse than a pregnant woman i thought i was simply going to balloon to 47 or 48kg but well, i guess my metabolism hasn't failed me yet.

the whole reason why i managed to weigh myself was because i finally quit procrastinating on getting back to my healthy lifestyle and hauled my lazy ass to the gym. met evelyn along the way. was quite surprised to see her, but we exchanged waves and smiles. so ah well...not as awkward as it usually was. though i felt as ugly as medusa while standing in the same mrt carriage as her... bleagh =( hit the treadmill and ran for 2.5 km at a speed faster than my usual, briskwalked on an incline level 8 for 500m, and worked out my triceps, calves, abs, and back muscles. felt the good old scream of exhausted and active muscles and felt pretty damn satisfied with myself. was even more satisfied when i weighed myself and decided i could quit worrying about putting shit into my system if i didn't overeat and keep up this weekly visit to the gym.

i think exercise also keeps me awake and alert. and for once i don't feel like doing a comatose on the bed at this time of the day. so mind over matter kai!! you can do it!!

after the a levels are done and over with, i am going to find work to fund my interests in yoga, salsa, and hip hop dance. yeah i know the gym is cool and stuff, but i think the most fun way to maintain your weight is through dance/movement, so that's what i'm going to do. am happy that i'm finding more high school musical fans out there haha.

my darling just started his service stint at ngee ann primary where he is helping ickle rascals do their work. well ok, except chinese haha. and it's so funny because he had to use his handphone calculator to work out a sum!! so far he's been a hit with the kids, including Primary Two Boy (i don't know their names la...) who likes to hold michael's hand and swing it around. then there were Those Girls who didn't like to do their homework and called michael a toothbrush. i think it's his hair hmm....time to save up money and bring him for a designer haircut. i was talking about that during dinner and mum laughed. i take that as a good sign. i take it as another good sign that dad is badgering me to get michael to go electric guitar shopping with him =)

am getting somewhere with pinter. hope my streak of luck lasts....

and we're 5 MONTHS OLD -smiles-

2006-07-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

so haha as usual the kids weren't exactly the highlight of my tiring, perspiring and stinky day, but they ain't gonna be the ones i mope over. thanks to SiyuJiayunRaihanahEugeniaDawnSzeleiEileenKarinaReubenRyanKelvinShawn&Michael
we're still known as "group one" for some funny reason but never mind. i'm glad that you guys are such a fun group because even if we didn't enjoy taking care of the kids (i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one haha) we certainly enjoyed ourselves learning the steps for three dances.

the day started off bad. i think it was a result of *drumroll* HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!!! -hoots- yes yes, i'm totally in love with that show now after dearest Ros convinced me to watch it. i love the last dance!! and yes it's nothing but bloody CLICHE, STUPID, PREDICTABLE and CHEESY but you're forgetting that it's TERRIBLY INFECTIOUS!!! oh gosh i'm in love with the last dance! i actually stood up and danced about madly in the living room while jie gave me the look of squidwart eating a sour prune. in the end i negated the need for a shower in the afternoon because i completely perspired until the end of the night.

which made me so psyched up that i couldn't go to sleep. slept fitfully for the whole night, and woke up halfway to read michael's past-midnight messages. went back to sleep and woke up at......0823!! when i specifically set my alarm to 0700!!! and i had to be at dhoby ghaut YMCA at 0900!! i panicked, flew to the shower and came out by 0831, just in time to brush my hair and fly out of the house. wound up with a taxi bill of 13 bloody bucks =( i foresee poor financial health AGAIN this month...bugger.

but the dances were so fun! we learned a lindy hop sequence (which i still kinda suck at), bhangra (which is actually quite fun and doesn't look as stupid as many people make it out to be) and jive (my favourite). i injured two people during jive because we were supposed to do a light high five with our partners before doing a turn and once i whacked Reuben's glasses two feet away and then went for Siyu's nose instead of her hand. but we survived. and we had hell loads of fun. right now i'm just riding buoyantly on this wave of dance fever, after today's workshop, after High School Musical, after Dirty Dancing 2 with michael... not even spoilt and disgusting kids took away my happiness. for some strange reason, it made me actually look forward to learning dance and teaching dance instead of being repulsed by it. maybe because i'm pretty sure i work better with teens rather than ickle brats.

bah...bad weather has seen a mini-return of my eczema. it's killing my neck and the skin at the crook of my elbow and leaving red splotchy marks when i scratch it. curses... i want to snip my hair off soon, but i'm waiting for public pee to be over. and i don't know how to cut my hair.... *ponders*

pinter is fascinating but difficult to work into an argument. i think i'll just patiently read more and work my way through this absurd thing.

and normal work starts tomorrow. i feel...renewed =)

2006-07-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

and as she turned away to step into a world i didn't know, i wanted so much for her to turn back...

so i'm screwed for common tests and haha i don't bloody hell care because i knew that would happen anyway. am glad that i managed to (albeit with a bit of yabbering from mum and dad here and there) catch up with people who are dear to me after the common tests.

so first i spent a day with princess on our Girls' Day In Front of the Telly. uncle joked about me coming to have a good cry and asked us to get more tissue paper when we went out to get telly snacks. we stopped by for venezia and talked, then headed back to the amberville headquarters to watch that stupid korean show 'my boyfriend is type b'. which was stupid and damn unsatisfying save that ONE funny moment. later, vernie succeeded in making me chow down to noodles and sashimi, and i was there to scoop her back into a cup when she melted at the last moment of 'shall we dance'. *gives princess a hug* the next one we're watching is 'elizabethtown' haha! even as i type this, princess is still sobbing in front of the tv and feeding off more korean dramas. she also coined the phrase " i'm going to (place) to pop out (someone's) babies!!"

day 2 after CTs started at the humble abode in 82 Kismis Avenue. i finally met up with gabriel, who's more eccentric, louder and wackier than my boyfriend. it was kinda cool because after a lunch of crayfish hor fun with daddy, we were talking about relationships and yeah, my long kept secret is in the open at home now. mum's a bit tetchy, but i'm going to put lofty's words of advice to good use: "yeah that's what i'm going to do. don't like it? well fuck off." thanks to dearest boyfriend who went trekking with me around town to get my ked's sneakers, and even got me a 20% discount with his nets =) =) so with my new sneakers, i stepped into michael's house and stopped outside for a while so that i could hear gabriel tinkering on the ivories...brilliant stuff. watched dirty dancing 2 with my dear (the 8th time for me) and koped each other's music haha. entertained by gabriel's study mates in the UK ('milk and water are MEEseRable'). bade him farewell to meet up with....

the Ros Aaron and Jialing (The RAJ) for dinner. jialing came late so RA and i headed to pastamania at cine. we laughed at everything from jang jangs to pasta sauce on the table to giggling girls next to us who were very amused by ... i don't know, talking spaghetti perhaps? and we also came up with new t-shirt designs for gays and couples. Ros nearly died laughing at my tee idea: 'Hot Buns emblazoned on the front of a tight tee. newurbanmale may approach me for design ideas anytime ;) skipped around borders before ros and i went home on the train where we started dancing to High School Musical tunes...oh my god so funny!!! i'm going to watch the encore telecast tonight. it's stupid, cheesy, cliche and the dumbest thing on earth but it's JUST SO INFECTIOUS! and yeah i can't dance but i don't care i'm going to practise all the moves shamelessly in full view of everyone at home!

so yeah i'm probably going a bit broke now..may not last the month again..but it's alright. those were one of the happiest days in my life, and i'd gladly do it again.

2006-06-28T01:54:00.000-07:00

so haha..i've made a grand entrance back to my blog after 13 days...of trying miserably to study for the mids. i expect nothing less than shit grades and shit from my parents AND my sister, the bloody brilliant Lee Kong Chian scholar who keeps telling me that i don't know anything about universities and hence must work my ass of to make sure i get all A's and a D for lit s. she says it as though i don't want to do well for my exams.

i know i will study for my prelims. i will!

and sometimes, i don't mind giving up studying time for stuff. like cutting back on my late night reading for grammy who has been staying over sometimes due to her constant bouts of dizziness. or to meet ros to study, knowing that we won't. or making princess happy by talking cock on the phone. or just being with michael whom i missed dearly on the days when i was cooped up at home.

i'm going to make it a habit to hit the gym on saturday mornings or afternoons. i have just examined the state of my legs and have decided that i can't get away with eating ice cream at the rate i'm doing so now. also, my arms have long gone soft and flabby and I HAVE A TUMMY!! ok kai, this is when your discipline comes through. stop growing fat at home!

rooting for mathilda tonight for SI's wildcard round. she has the voice, and performs with the most panache and confidence i have seen throughout the show. the rest honestly suck, and i'm not referring to only the rest of the wildcard contestants. all of them are either excruciatingly dull and insipid or as plastic as a plastic bag. and the primero dude sings like someone just stuffed something up his ass.
which mind you primero, is nothing to be proud of.

rahimah, drop the bloody act.

jasmine, you're boring.

johnathan, you're too "nice" and yes-man.

geraldine: please don't get in.

and there concludes my blog entry for now. the bard beckons.

2006-06-15T03:32:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!!
urgh the pink just killed my blog. because of your birthday i've come into contact with pink more times than i have ever done so in the past 5 years. and that includes bodily contact...urgh...but anyhow, hope you enjoyed today! michael and i were sweating over your present because we didn't know what we should get. after a hectic and quite shitty 6 months, i think you deserve a nice day to make up for all the crap =) wear at least one of your newly acquired items the next time we go out!

yes, the princess turns 18 -dabs eyes and smiles proudly- and believe me michael and i were quite clueless as to what we could get her. it was fortunate that we were staring at the answer yesterday afternoon, otherwise we would have to sign an IOU with her. nice pink heels always makes the princess' day.

today started off with a fish&co lunch at wheelock place. everything that came with the sweet and sour fish i ordered disappeared nicely and comfortably down my stomach for once wee! the two legal people ordered cocktails but what the hell, i pinched some anyway haha. conversation over lunch included a lot of world cup talk and soccer wags. we bumped into yisha, who just got her own pair of papillos haha.

i think we should form the trio of funny shoes (with mine being the cheapest muahahaha..) because now all three of us have a pair of wacky shoes. princess splurged on a pair of birkenstocks clogs, pink and floral, then went down to buy three books. we decided to check on movie times but none of them fit our schedule so we did more shopping and helped princess to select a sun dress. naturally i had to try something because Her Majesty ordered it, and one of them was a pink floral dress. oh gosh. i swear i never looked more sour in my entire life. lastly, we found princess a pair of dark blue earring, then waited for her dad to come. uncle's face just fell when he saw the number of bags michael was carrying.

uncle: for 18 years i've been trying not to spoil her, and finally the both of you have to spend on her.

michael and i: *blink* oh sorry.

spent some time walking around with my dearest, laughing at turtles and elmo. sigh i miss smsing my dear =(

so save for the 30 bucks i blew on my bikini bottom neckerman sandals, i can safely say the rest went to first michael, then saiful, then princess. i figured since i can't spend on myself (and won't let others spend on me), i might as well spend on others.

in other news, after talking to dearest damien over a dinner of jie's baked rice last night, i shall change my area of lit S to absurdism!!

kai, out.

2006-06-11T02:26:00.000-07:00

grr i hate shopping. it's not like it gives me a reason to like it anyway. for two times in a row i've went to the same shop in a span of two months to look for a certain sandal in a certain design and i always cannot seem to find it! ihateshoppingihateshoppingihateshoppingihateshopping!!!

but i like the red striped Keds sneakers i saw =)

-frowns- i still want a pair of sandals. and my cash is disappearing faster than i expected =(

last night's england match was such a fluke...wasted my bloody time and made me hopeful or for nothing. oh it was quite funny, because mum, dad, zhihao and i were eating at this peranakan restaurant and dad proudly announced that he taped the argentinia vs ivory coast and sweden vs trinidad and tobago matches so that he could watch it "live" when we went back. a few minutes later, this huge family came in, sat down a few tables from us, and started talking about the scores and highlights of the above two games. the looks on dad's and zhihao's faces were priceless.

and i should cut down on the carbo and salt, i'm eating an awful lot and not exercising....

i'm so fucked for deadlines. if i'm lucky i'll finally know where i'm heading for lit S. because as time permits, i am already struggling with my normal subjects and knowing that i'll probably not score outstanding grades in TSD as i have always hoped i will. back to old fashion mugging, kai!

my nice handphone bill just came. this time, my phone will not be in use for three fucking weeks. all thanks to my nice parents, who don't want me to 'make it a habit' to message every living minute. which i don't, really. plus the fact that i was always the middle person for communication between the tsd teachers and group, tsd teachers and ICs, and tsd teachers and year ones, duh my handphone bill will go bust. and that's pratically the only way i communicate with michael too!

but that's not the point. the worst thing was, the first thing they did was to lambast me for the cost of my messages. so that debunks the not wanting me to 'mae it a habit' to sms more. ok fine, if it was that bad, i've already told them to take it out of my allowance, but NOOOOOOO they refuse. for the record, my plan still stands at the 15 dollar shit that is 10 bucks for the plan and 5 bucks for the caller id services -_-'' so i've asked to change to the student one with 1000 smses but NOOOOOOO they refuse too. so fine, take the phone, and don't bug me or blast me when i get home "late" by your standards because i have NO phone. heck even jie has a better plan than me. and its not my fault zhihao is a friggin' hermit and does nothing but eat, sleep and watch tv for his whole life.

in happier news, i have made some right decisions in my life. and i got back my dirty dancing 2 dvd from lia (hey girl! see you soon k?) and will watch it when i need to destress. plus i downloaded new songs from brian littrell's debut christian album and the elizabethtown ost, so i've got new stuff to try on the guitar and piano.

now...i shall complete the testimonials which i have been procrastinating from.

2006-06-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

random declaration: i love my boyfriend. wee =)

2006-06-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER DEAREST!!
hehe you'll have to put up with me until you finally move in with clement. i know you'll never ever read my blog so i will declare that i bought you those earrings on purpose to add some colour to your life haha!! you're nineteen jie! (oh gosh please don't act 35...)

so i started the day stuffing my face at the excellent spread in melt at the oriental. oh dear, the thai spread was so good i went for so many rounds i lost count! and i will marry the guy who gets me a chocolate fountain spewing molten 72% chocolate =) yummy yummy, i have concluded that strawberries and chocolate go the best. not good not good, i'm eating so much nowadays. which is why i have decided to forego dinner and stay in front of the com. if i get hungry during the course of the night i will much on fruit.

ok so after my nap, i am all fuelled up to watch soccer tonight! and stay up with my dear =)

to my phone: i know i have resolved to treat you better, but you are NOT GIVING ME ANY BLOODY REASON TO! stop shutting off on me when you feel like it, stop hanging without giving me a chance to access the menu, and basically just stop PMSing me because you're cutting off my major communication source with my boyfriend and the rest of the word! i have half the mind to hurl you across the room and/or service you, and the only thing that is stopping me are the 60 plus messages stored in my folders which i cannot bear to lose having just accidentally deleted my inbox a few days ago! so start working damn it!!

i'm quite sad actually. mum and dad just said that they were slapping a ban on watching anything theatre from now on because they did not see the point in watching now that practical was over. what the hell... how can they just cut theatre off from me... i feel so wounded and terrible. i'm missing theatrework's Geisha as i type =( and the many wonderful dance pieces the Singapore Arts Festival is showcasing.

ah well, i shall get started on the testmonials i have been trying to FEEL like doing since yesterday...

2006-06-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

i would like to say i feel satiated today, but the disgusting presence of deadlines and assignments continue to haunt me right to this very moment =( argh lump of deformed excretion, be gone, be gone!!

i put my 100 bucks to use. well, at least a use that satisfies me -smiles happily- i've got about 12 bucks left over, but that's ok la. doubt i'll be spending a lot more during this holiday which will bankrupt me to the the dire straits i was in at the end of may. let me draw up a list of people i have yet to spend on
-ros jialing and aaron...i think i owe all three birthday presents. ok i will retract my earlier statements.
-princess. her highness better not expect a spa, a manicure, hair treatment, and a gown because michael and i will just sit down and cry.
-nigel...hmm might get him a cool hat.

oh dear... i hate being broke again =(

but oh well let's face it i can't spend on myself to save my life. i'll start getting into the habit of saving in july -nods resolutely- no michael it doesn't mean you get to pay for all the coffee.

TSD'O5
we have written yet another chapter in the TSD history. well done all, now look forward to public performance!

in a way i'm glad that the tsd exams are over, especially for michael. he's a lot less stressed now, a lot happier and more carefree =) glad it's over for you my dear. took him to fish&co. for a lunch i finally paid for wee! we KO-ed at the 2-person seafood platter with a few pieces of calamari and fries scattered here and there in the pan. i love the rice cooked with raisins, yummy. then we walked around to get saiful's shirt (keep it please!! it's a GIFT!), walked around some more then headed to PS to walk around some more. migrated to cathay to walk around to check out the new building and we kept bumping into shikin and her guy haha. i certainly hoped i worked off all that i ate with the walking i did man.

it's kinda funny that whenever i'm with michael, we just move here and there without really setting our sights on a destination. but then again, it's not the place, but the company that matters. -sighs happily- i'm a lucky girl

2006-06-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

i have never hated a hundred bucks so much before today.

i've concluded that shopping makes me selfish and self-indulgent, and i've learnt my painful lesson by hurting others in the process.

and getting hurt too. i hate shopping with mum and jie. everything that i try or want to try just looks like crap to them. it's as though i was born to look bad in everything i wear. ok fine.

i have to stop being such a prat.

2006-06-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

my swan song.

ok there's always public p. but...here's to Katherine, kicking Petruchio's ass, and drawing attention from the general school population whenever i start clashing swords at my space.

nigel: for feeding me the idea of stage fighting in the first place, at the point of time when i was still deliberating over a DS movement (right now i'm thinking "where the hell did that crazy turandot idea come from...") and wondering where the hell i get sounds. and for being there whenever i needed help in choreography or smoke haha. thank you thank you thank you you're an amazing guy and i'll try to get you attached by the end of this year haha. you're great!!

SAIFUL:
oh gosh...where do i even start, my man? right there from day one, always turning up punctual for slots *poke* and having great hilarious fun with me. i thoroughly enjoyed working with you, because there are very few good decisions i have made in my life, and this is one of them. you're damn nice to laugh with and laugh at (significant moment when you charged across the piano and slipped to the ground with your balinese dance hands haha) and you have great theatrical sense. damn you fit petruchio to the tee. and it's been nice talking during the break in slots, because you're a great listener and a damn joke haha. i'm not a turtle ok you stupid beaver...don't laugh at people with funny toes!!!

definitely got to know you better through work. shit i'm going to miss traipsing to my space and fending off annoying choir personalities by fighting precariously around the piano. and master saiful, being master saiful, can never fully accept the bard's original words and had to change some of them haha. 'tis ok, we always managed to puck out the problem in time. oh gee...i'm going to miss working with you man.

***

i went for the whole spanish senorita look. complete with a flared skirt and , a corset looking top and a rose in the little tuft of hair mikaela helped me to squeeze into a bun haha. actually didn't feel ugly today. the run itself wasn't my best i guess, but it was tight. though i was seriously losing it halfway. faster than i thought actually.

and pymm will forever remember me as the girl who kept saying harPISchord instead of harpSIchord. when he studied me from under his glasses, winked and gently corrected me i swear i wanted to stab myself as the whole room erupted with laughter. bloody brilliant kai. mispronounce an instrument in front of a guy whose major is music. besides that i made him laugh twice during the interview. dear me i hope i won't leave an impression as 'the dangerous girl'. thanks to everyone who sent in their good luck messages! =)

bottomline? i had fun. fun from day one. and i guess that's all that matters.

darling michael dropped over in school early to bring me out. was feeling a bit ditzy and slightly less ugly so i left the rose in my hair wee! *gives a satisfied smile* snuck in 10 dollars for a satisfying NYDC meal of baked pasta with mushrooms. then we walked about looking at stuff we weren't going to buy anyway haha. that was, until he saw a sling bag with the darndest most mind-boggling design on it. i honestly do not understand why my very intelligent boyfriend found the design of a speech bubble containing the volcolm logo drawn near a roaring t-rex's mouth attractive. ah well *scratches head* i'm not a very normal girlfriend either. as long as it makes you happy dear =)

on the bus ride home, i was mentally drawing up a list of stuff i'm going to miss sorely:

-nigel rushing down from work in this navy uniform and have everyone mistake him for the new security guard

-saiful doing a faggy interpretation of petruchio, that was damn funny

-jibing nigel about his dressing. i like his hats actually, and he said i could pull off trucker caps and such. wee!

-bitching with saiful about other people during my slot haha

-screaming at saiful 'pagi mampos gao!'

-getting hit and scratching, kicking and punching saiful

-really hitting saiful during showing and being unable to carry on showing because i would start screaming and demand to know whether he was ok

-eating shit food from 7-11 and complaining about shit food

-bandung conference held by saiful

-scratching everything from the walls to the piano and evilly laughing it off...yes mrs chan, you need a new paint job

-ruining the school umbrellas. jancy is going to kill me

so there'll be public p. but today, katherine proved her last point, and so did petruchio.

and of course LOFTY, ALBERT, MR YOUNG AND MRS LOW

the late nights, the Boasters, the jokes and the encouragment. TSD is all about that, and you've stuck through all that with us. kai loves you!

curtain call, kai.

Swan song draws nearer

2006-06-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

i swear if there's anything TSD has made it, it would be a bum. i haven't bothered to wax my overgrown disgustingly hairy legs and hands, my room's in a freaking mess and i owe:
1) mr sayers: a history presentation
2) jolly old harris: independent reading for lit S, a PC assignment and two lit S essays.

but fuck that for a while.

JUST BECAUSE
you have created and closed a chapter in my life which i bitched about a lot but enjoyed all the same. if there's anything you guys have taught me, it is patience (think about all the cases of tardinenss and stalling when working...). i swear i've been made more patient than i've ever been in my entire life. and now, it's so empty without group. i am immensely proud of the piece of theatre we have developed together. it's been a crazy ride, which started off like this:
- a serial killers convention with the weirdest murder weapons ever used (audrey and the toilet pump menace...where the hell did that come from-_-'' then gen and her 'you don't want my cookie...')
-5 serial killers under the care of a wacky doctor
-5 young female murderers under the care of a wacky doctor
-Nicola becomes part of Just Because
-4 female murderers (still can't get over Didi's maid character haha), a disgusting MP (the role just stuck) and a doctor, complete with a Pinter toilet cleaner
-1 patient in a drug trafficking rehabilitation program...ang-sty presentation got trashed
-1 patient in a drug trafficking rehabilitation program, huge political debate going on

after shock scares of getting piece trashed by the lofty and albert, and the frustratingly good but virtually unuser-friendly revamp by mrs low and dwayne, we got our piece on tuesday night...with our exam on friday.

so here ends a round of late nights, shit food from 7-11 and laughing at gen until the late hours of the night in the ava. oh...and who could forget freaky clock left backstage?

Audrey: i'm still miffed that you could never turn up early for group meetings and slots when i stay 10 times further away from school as you. still, can't deny that your scriptwriting skills rank the best in the group. i wish you better attendance for your other engagements (oh my god what if you turn up late for your wedding) and finish your costume!!!

Gen: CRAZY HANDS!! i love laughing at you it's quite funny. you look as crazy as your hands and you play a mean quack doctor. you've been the calmest one amongst us and i thank you for bringing this balance to my temperamental, fly-off-the-walls self. finish your set!!!

Darrel: oh dear, i'm going to miss your funny suzuki and "confucian" moves!! you're so adorable and funny and stop doubting yourself Darrel! you're a brilliant actor and i hope you'll see that in time. here's to a smashing duologue and monologue, my Pinter toilet cleaner!

Pau: the one with all the gossip. Pau you've been a joy to work with, at least here's someone who believes that theatre is about TRYING IT OUT rather than sitting down and talking. you've been a nice bitching partner for me haha. never thought working with you would be so funny. all the best to duologue and monologue too. PLEASE DARE TO HIT TIM!!!

Deedz: our honey stars supply. you've been through probably more than us, trying to balance a goal-less hockey season and TSD. congratulations for scoring the winning goal at the finals my dear. you have to be more decisive in life ya? now get out there and nail that DS once and for all!

Nicola: ms chanel, please buy a bag you know how to close. will continue to jibe you about your more than posh lifestyle because it gives me some kind of sadistic pleasure to do so. you've been a fantastic listening pal, and your costume is fine stop worrying damn it!

IS honours will come tomorrow.

but whatever the occasion, here's a quick wave and hug for michael dearest, who made sure that i didn't eat shit food when he could help it, and who always bought me chocolate raisins to cheer me up (of which more than half disappeared down the stomachs of my group members haha...) love you my dear.

now for IS tomorrow.

2006-05-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

after my showing i collapsed face down on the piano bench with my ass sticking out at an unnatural angle and finally crumpled on to the floor, wailing kai-style.

people, i botched my showing.

BOTCHED

and i feel so bad because master saiful has been so busy yet so patient in turning up for every one of my slots and always ends up getting hit. today he took a full left hook from me!!! i was so shocked i broke character and asked if he was ok but he told me to continue. and i think because we didn't warm up and were totally not in the correct frame of mind for a showing, we actually fought until we forgot our moves haha. sorry saiful! thanks so much for always being so patient and understanding.

haha and stupid me got new cuts and bruises...aside from the one just above my elbow, i've got one 8cm from my left ankle. i think i must have gotten that from crawling to my umbrella stand during the first chunk of my movement. i hate cuts. they annoy me because they are messy and itchy and pus-sy. and they stain my sandals =( and my left ass hurts when i sit down....i think i got a bruise there during my fall.

planning to end with a huge bang, which is on Siew Mai's (aka Albert's) advice. have been practising my back handspring for the last disarming move which i do. hopefully i'll get my flexibility and strength back. i think it's worth it.

so all in all, here's what the teachers said about my dismal showing:
Bold, energetic, very amibitious. Lovely ensemble feel. some parts terrific, some messy. maybe needs slowing down now and putting together bit by bit with the skill guidelines in mind as well as the accepted movement parameters? (eg. speed, duration, timing; source of movement, directions of movement, mood created by movement?) you BOTH need to develop the relationship more clearly and show this in your fighting styles and in the various transitions. (Does he fall for her ferocity and spunk? Does she fall for him? Don't forget it's theatre above all!! and it MUST be consistent with the text!!) nevertheless unusually committed and VERY enjoyable work. Grade: Good(movin towards Very Good)
(PS are all the safety guidelines kept to... the downstairs fight was a bit scary for us!!!)

ah well...ended the day with a huge binge with michael dearest. i had apple pie and teh tarik ice cream at island creamery, then we walked down to Thai noodle house to have lunch-dinner. felt a bit guilty after that because apparently he sacrificed work time to go out with me. shit i'm such a selfish girlfriend =(

i really should stop being such a whinebag and a clingy fool. the dumb thing is michael never has the heart to tell me that he doesn't have time to spend with me sometimes...and i feel like shit whenever i find out yet i keep doing it. AH STOP IT KAI!!!! i resolve to be less selfish and understanding. i should shoot myself now. sigh...am worried for michael. hate seeing him so down...

2006-05-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

i think the words 'tired' and 'exhausted' and 'fraught with nerves' would be on every TSDians lips. perhaps 'tedious' too... ah work work work all the way into the night.

group gave our piece an extreme makeover with 5 days left to tech runs. i like the new piece. its tighter, faster, sharper, and a lot more concise. but i'm also a bit tired working group so we're taking a hiatus until monday comes. then it's full steam ahead!! thanks to mrs low and dwayne for staying up with us to correct the mess. i left school at 0015 hours and i was the first to go off my group because dad threatened to drive away if i didn't come out -_-'' and when dwayne and mrs low were done with our group, We Are came forward with another request to tighten their group script. i can't imagine what time they stayed until man.

IS showing later. the piece is getting smoother, but master saiful and i have a long way more to go to really tightening the piece. i keep spinning out of control, like literally spinning out of control on the staircase when i'm doing this really cool swishy move. damn...always cracks me and saif up. i really enjoy working with saiful and i've never once regretted choosing him as a partner. so partner, we're going to nail this!

TSD'05: We're going to blow the socks of Pym. All the best people!

2006-05-14T00:45:00.000-07:00

left on to-do list:
1) Beloved assignment, due tomorrow
2) history presentation, due this friday
3) PC, due anytime as long as i get it done before the A levels
4) TSD A LVLS IN TWO BLOODY FRICKIN WEEKS!!!

i'm not really screwed-screwed per se... i'm just a bit shocked that i'm not like panicking and losing my head. i'm feeling some kind of serene calm now, something very uncharacteristic of kai.. hmm...

that said, here's a quote from crazy-hands aka gen:
" ....i don't know, really, but i think kai looks so much happier now."

i mull about it from time to time, and as always i have come to the conclusion that it's true. much of the credit goes to dearest michael for making me really happy, but i guess a part of it is the result of a ripple effect from getting together with him. as much as the same shit still goes on at home and work never seems to finish and we've got bloody a lvls 6 months earlier than half the school, i still find myself being able to smile more than last year.

i also realised that it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. i can gush about getting new shoes and stuff, but the more simple things in life bring with them some sort of sticky contagious joy that lasts longer than the delight felt with the acquisition of new material objects.

that said, last night gave me some reason to smile. for one, i was out with michael and feeling quite guilty because we eventually decided to walk out of a latin jazz performance which was completely unprofessional and hadn't even started even though it was half an hour late and running. to think i made him give up Queen Ping for it =( sorry my dear. ended up walking around and talking to him about God, school... normal day to day stuff minus the airy fairy bits of romance that characterises every couple's conversations at some point in time. doing that reinforced the fact that i didn't really need to be DOING SOMETHING with michael to be happy because the guy just makes me happy already! and conversation, already honed by those countless, detrimental-to-dental-health coffeetalks, was enlightening and enjoyable.

bumped into leonard ng while on the way to raffles city. something about that man's demeanour just makes me smile. michael and i recommended a shoe-repair station at funan to him as he recounted, in the leonard-ng way, how a particularly aggressive escalator chewed up the soles of his shoe. funny.

then while at haagen daaz, i looked up from the ice cream display just in time to see one of my gymnastics seniors from zhonghua behind the counter. its funny because there are some people whom you think you'll never see again and they don't ever cross your mind once your paths split. yeah, he's one of those. same age as my sister, didn't do too well for the o lvls, was wondering where he was headed to then and didn't hear from him for a good two years. suddenly i see the guy working behind an ice-cream counter, dishing out ice cream to young kids and adults, speaking better english and just...looking more driven, brighter..."sparked" if you could use that as a description. for some reason i was really happy to see him, and the weird thing was we were never that close back then. just random but deep conversations here and there sometimes...he was a good gymnast. but i felt extremely relieved and delighted to see him doing better than where we left off.

thanks for the ice cream and the joy of meeting you again yin wen, i wish you all the best for the life ahead of you.

just had a meal with grandma today at some dingy coffeeshop in joo chiat with DIY popiah and a less than flattering toilet at the back. its quite funny how grandma tries to pay for everything and, when we get closer to her flat at tanglin halt road, she tries to cram blue bills down the pocket/handbag of the person sitting closest to her. gee...grammy is going places man. i guess she feels liberated, in some way, after grandpa passed away...she has had more time to travel to KL with her friends, indulge in her much-loved taichi lessons and have a drink with the other senior citizens in the estate. and she likes goodwood park hotel's durian-misu *grin* normally grammy fusses when we bring over expensive food, but she really liked this one. she and i shared a warm moment laughing at jie and mum in the car because they found the espresso in the cake too strong -_-''. noobs...

just this morning i stalled at my Beloved readings so i took a breather and sat down on the piano. gone are the days where i had to force myself through a mozart rondo or bloody chopin. right now i just try to play songs which i hear around me, and none of them are classical. started off with 'God bless the broken road' but something made me put lyrics of 'heart of worship' in front of me. playing the latter felt different today, and came out sounding better. i was probably massacreing the song with my "singing" but it felt good. i think this shall officially become my song of catharsis because it gets me crying when i'm playing it alone or with someone close. found my eyes welling up and so i took time off for a good and cleansing cry in the empty living room, with nothing but a page of lyrics, and possibly His presence, to offer some kind of silent comfort.

assignments beckon. kai shall cease rambling now.

2006-05-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

i've outdone myself and woke up at a record time of 1115 hours. muahahaha...spent an hour or so doing preeny girl stuff. like waxing my overdue legs. there's some kind of satisfaction when i pull of the wax strip and feel a quick searing yet scratchy warmth on my skin. i don't know why people make waxing sound as bad as ten thousand maths assignments due in the course of the next 24 hours, it's anything but that really. hm...ya, satisfying is THE word to describe an hour or so of waxing.

and contrary to what everyone thinks, sleeping is an excellent weight loss mechanism! i can't say the same for sleeping straightaway after a meal, but sleeping in in the morning negates the need for breakfast so you go straight into lunch with yummy, delicious, juicy greens!! and i really should go back to rabbit food diet with the amount of shit i have been eating and the non-existent exercise which i have been telling myself i will do "in time to come". would you believe it, i walloped a whole box of oily dark sauce carrot cake after running 2.4, and finished a bag of gummi bears! and that's with vegetating in front of the computer and my assignments for most of time. surprisingly i shaved 21 seconds off my 2.4 timing (and missed the A grade by 3 bloody seconds grrr), maintained my above 53cm for sit and reach and took off another 0.3 seconds for shuttle run to get 10.5 -smiles happily- still, ain't going to be complacent man...ok kai will start being healthy (in time to come....)

in other news, jie has got the SMU scholarship!! weet!!! do you know they are paying EVERYTHING? like covering the whole cost of her education in SMU? and she doesn't even need to stay in the hostel because SMU is in dhoby ghaut. i'm happy because jie's works really hard (no matter what i say about her being a system darling) and i think she deserves this after losing out on scholarships to people with less impressive grades and CCA records when she applied for some scholarships previously before her A levels. i'm also happy because it means more cash for me -gives evil Murni laugh-

i seriously feel like stoning this vesak day away. somehow it's during this period when you don't want to do anything else but TSD. i wish i could work on my group piece and IS everyday without having to worry about books i should be reading for lit S or the fact that i have a history presentation coming up. not to mention cindy low's beloved assignment which i have no idea how to start writing -buries head in hands- in a good and bad way TSD had made me more driven, but more driven only in the THINGS i really want to do. gah...time doesn't wait for you kai, you're forced to catch up with it when shit hits the fan.

yesterday bob got dunked into the fountain, along with the guys in my class, who were too caught up with dunking imran just so they could create an excuse for him to wear the pink thong they got. gosh everyone should see the thong man. it's the colour of the pink moto raxr, no kidding. just looking at it gives me goosebumps. anyway, bob got wet, so bob being bob stripped down to his boxers and sat on the ramp outside the 24 hours in the sun playing his guitar. sometimes, i don't blame people who say that TSDians are weird. but bobby is a cool guy really. and a really nice one too.

i want to pick up my guitar again. sick of playing the same old songs.....i need new stuff to work on. same with the piano. i've really narrowed my music tastes severely after my latin guitar phase.

ok work beckons. but wait, let me indulge in some minesweeper haha

2006-05-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Michael =)
-from your crazy girlfriend

Happy birthday Imran and Sharlene too =)

before i launch into celebration, let me wave a parang at the retarded fool who placed something on top of my bag because you CRACKED THE CD MICHAEL GAVE TO ME AND NOW THE COVER COMES OFF WHEN YOU OPEN OR CLOSE THE CASE!! NOT TO MENTION THERE IS AN UNSIGHTLY SCRATCH AT THE BACK!!! this is the cue for you to run and hide before i get within slapping distance.

sweetie i'm so sorry the cd cracked :( i'm listening to it now, it's really good and everything and more than i could ask for in a piano album. thanks so much love.

anyway, my dearest celebrated his birthday today. just got home from dinner and shopping with him. as usual i wasn't allowed to pay for the dinner and as usual i picked up another funky item for him to add to his wardrobe. love the new shoes honey, hope they don't screw up your feet.

the hours leading up to 0530 this morning were initially nerve-wrecking and frustrating but on hindsight really funny. fyi people i baked michael a cake -gasp gasp pandemonium-its a two layered sponge with jam in the middle -grins proudly- yes albeit a bit hard for the second layer (ironically it was the one which i actually followed the recipe and didn't put anything in the wrong amount or order...shar has concluded that because the first layer was the one which i botched up the instructions and turned out to be better, it means that i'm naturally a better cook =) ) everybody commended me on my first-time effort and even dared to sample the cake. no one ended up groaning in the toilet and throwing up all over the floor so i guess i've passed the test. sad that michael couldn't eat much because his throat was going pretty soon. it's ok dear really :) thank you to princess, i feel royally honoured that you helped to sample my work.

i was supposed to bake a french chocolate cake. it's a lot richer and a lot more moist, and more than just an average brownie. so on wed morning i pointed the recipe out for mum and asked her to help me buy the stuff we didn't have at home.

like real she did.

i got home at 2230, feeling quite exhausted from showing and all ready to bake cake, took princess' advice to lay out all my ingredients first............and realised that I HAD NO PLAIN FLOUR. what the hell...of all things i'm missing the FLOUR. then i couldn't organise my ingredients and utensils so everything was a hunky dory friggin mess all over the dining table. and when i was sieving the flour and cocoa powder i think my brain switched off for a while because it took me quite a while before i realised i had sieved sizeable patches of brown and white on my black shirt. and on closer inspection i added a quarter more margarine to the first sponge than was necessary. gah...

and the microwave oven was SIZZLING. mum later told me that i probably didn't put the tray properly but all i know is when i was baking halfway i actually saw like flashes of electricity, as in those blue-white lights flashes, zigzag around the microwave oven. and it did not help that my group was talking about horror movies earlier. i completely freaked out la..crap.

at 0130 i realised i ran out of margarine. -jumps up and down-

at 0215 there was a burning smell from the second sponge. kai panicks some more and tries to get a grip.

oh and i took like 20 minutes trying to figure out how to (a) pre-heat and (b) bake. i suck man. i think i kept the whole house awake for like that time. actually it wouldn't have made a difference because somewhere along the night my parents woke up to quarrel with each other again. oh well...

anyway michael, it was fun and enjoyable, my first baking experience. i enjoyed every single moment of putting your present together and i wouldn't mind doing it again. you deserve every bit of my time and more for everything you have given me. i'll graduate to brownies next year =) love you loads my dear.

haha jie just booked me as her baking khaki to bake something for mummy on mother's day. wanted to splurge on a pair of crocs for her but jie refused to contribute....so cheap...

sigh...been pondering whether to drop lit S. i'm already so inept in lit and scoring shit grades and stuff...would be a good idea to give myself the axe instead of waiting around for ol' harris to do it :( a bit bunged about grades too... i'll never get my 3 a's man at this rate

random interjection: i get jealous with guys who have longer eyelashes than me. grr...saiful i want you eyelashes...

to beloved JUST BECAUSE: we will take risks and take our piece to greater heights!

hmm...more or less a good day. i'm satisfied. adios people.

2006-05-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

-contented sigh- i can't stop staring at my old/new blog. i feel more sanitised looking at it.

so anyhu, i'm taking the excuse to blog again haha.....

just read dear ros' blog and how she missed dancing. which is quite coincidental because i just watched RJ's dance night and the same old sadness of missing out on lessons comes back to haunt. me and ros, we aren't exactly the kinda qualified dancer types. but we love the art of it, and we can't learn. for one dear old ros busted her knee. but she can really carry a beat. trust me, i watched the girl go crazy on dirty dancing 2. i can tell you, if she was in a latin bar, she'd have the guys all after her.

sigh talking about ros suddenly hits home very hard. i miss the girl a lot. and aaron. shit i miss aaron a lot too. please meet up with me soon!!!

going for RJ dance night and fooling around with the oh-so-cool and could-be-cooler lights board at the HCI drama centre sparked another 'about the future' debates in my head. on the way to michael's place i realised that as much as i love the adrenaline of waiting for a cue and pushing up a few buttons to light up the stage in a way that awes the pants of the audience, i know that i can never snuff out the performing bug in me. the satisfaction of technical theatre simply cannot replace the satisfaction of performing. like even doing lights for syf this year.....just wasn't the same as dancing for Khairul's DS.

i don't want to wallow in self-pity and submerge myself in my pool of resentment at mum for never allowing me to pick up extra classes when i could have. to be fair, i only realised how much i love moving/dancing and performing as a whole when i stumbled my way through TSD, only to find that i had a niche. some wildly idealistic side of me hopes to enrol in classes and try to make up for lost years...yet all these sick practical constraints keep sending off alarm bells in my head everytime i think about cutting it in the movement/dance industry.

crazy alex advised me to seek a career in the commercial entertainment industry and be a MTV dancer. well...after friday's performance i changed my mind about hip hop...but not sure whether that's what i really want. and i could always stage manage or go into the arts management business...but i'm hoping i will do that only after, like, i'm too old to perform or something.

ponder ponder... looks like i'm just about as clueless as anyone as to what i want to do when i graduate from college.

2006-05-07T02:13:00.000-07:00

"I'm back."
- Dionysus from 'The Bacchae'

yeah i'm well and truly back from my...er... four month hiatus? ah doesn't matter. my life's taken a turn for the better in general. can't say the same for things at home, unfortunately, but life's been more bearable now.

to michael dearest and princess: thanks for being there to put up with my problems when the world collapsed around me. all for TSD now!!!

saif and bertrand: thanks for the listening ear and patience.

ros and aaron and jialing: i'm so sorry i haven't been able to meet up. i miss you guys terribly, especially since you guys made me what i was today. meet up soon!!!

haha so instead of rushing PC for dear old harris, i'm taking the time off to revamp my blog and blog some more. hmm so what happened during the loooooooooooooooong looooooooooooooong break....

*got attached
surprise surprise people. this takes the cake for the most unexpected event of the year. even more surprising is the person i got attached to. well, haha, i wasn't expecting it too, but life's been a lot more bearable with michael around. glad to have you sticking around with this retarded snarly bitch.

*got disowned
yeah well...more or less. moving on.

*is doing stage fighting
yeah haha so much for doing a DS on turandot. i'm reprising my role as Katherine, complete with a smashing piano and swashbuckling action around pillars, across a grand piano and up and down a spiral staircase. so yeah it isn't exactly MI3 but i love it -wrinkles nose and smiles- playing a shrew is fun. sorry saif :P but i'm really grateful to have such a cool working partner! i hope pym loves it too.

*is growing my hair long
gah i don't want to, but i need it for my piece.

*is becoming a slob
i've been flopping off my bed, barely absorbing the impact of a face-first fall, and lying completely still for at least 5 seconds before getting up to resume normal activity. also, my diet has gone down the drain, no thanks to complacency after my better-than-expected 2.4 timing and an over-indulgent boyfriend who finds every opportunity to pay for my food and force it down my throat (there, ros. you're going to get fat kai soon.) have actually defaulted on deadlines this year and i'm not proud of it but at the same time i want to do nothing but TSD now. ah kai stop bumming around...

just this morning jie told me about a damn funny dream she had. something about hearing two snakes fighting over a cat in the living room (how the hell do you HEAR snakes) and when she finally went down, the cat was gone and the snakes were dead, with one of them looking slightly bloated. hmm jie has gotten a bit weird ever since she started work at the telecoms. oh well, at least she managed to cross the road without getting herself killed today. tsk tsk. well people, here's an RJ student, a potential leader for tomorrow, who cannot cross a road to save her life. hope jie embarrasses herself with something else so that i can tell clement muahaha....

oh in case you were wondering, clement is jie's boyfriend. he loves jie because she is weird (ok i'm lying..)

yes old harris, i'll do PC now....-grumbles-