Sunday, August 12, 2007
it's an afternoon when getting itchy and irritable is simply the only way i'm going to stay sane because at least physical discomfort keeps my mind off from certain things.
then again, maybe not. i'm back -yes...sigh- to the stage of feeling like a fuck of a failure in just about everything that i'm going to embark on. and oh yes, i realised how much of a social failure i have become...shying away from big parties, futilely seeking coffee chill-outs with one or two people and never succeeding, being asked to go out and then realising that i've packed my weekends and weekdays so full that i can barely breathe. which is quite an irony, because i never intended to be so heavily involved in varsity.
i concede that this is one of the hardest and scariest things of being a christian: to leave everything to God, and to trust Him to deliver in your life, then to accept whatever He has provided you. for an uptight prude like me, i worry about everything in my life, and depending on God has been quite a challenge. yet at the same time, i'm running myself dry with the exhaustion of trying to logically sort out everything, and it would be good to just lay down all my sorrows and trials at His feet, and let Him take over.
then there's the shame of feeling like an ungrateful fuck, and knowing that there are so many people out there who have been struck down with worse personal disaster, and that really, i have no place to complain but i do anyway....
***
i'm very thankful for church every week. every sunday, where i can worship God, listen to sermons, and get away from the outside world for a while, head out for lunch with some really wonderful people, then head back to church to jam. while i still wonder how i can better balance my roles as a daughter, girlfriend, and christian, it doesn't change how happy i am to be part of a fellowship, share a few laughs, learn about God together...
***
i need a revival
~Love
